THE TRAVELS
AND
SURPRISING ADVENTURES
OF
BARON MUNCHAUSEN
ILLUSTRATED WITH
THIRTY-SEVEN CURIOUS ENGRAVINGS
FROM
THE BARON'S OWN DESIGNS
AND FIVE ILLUSTRATIONS
By G. CRUIKSHANK
INTRODUCTORY NOTICE.
SO many different opinions have obtained respecting the authorship of "The Travels of Baron Munchausen," and the motives for writing that work, that it seems desirable to append some explanation on both these points, to the present edition.
The general opinion appears to be that expressed by a writer in Notes and Queries (No. 68, 1851) "'The Travels of Baron Munchausen' were written to ridicule Bruce, the Abyssinian traveller, whose adventures were at that time deemed fictitious." But the writer of the above article offers the best evidence for correcting this opinion; for he goes on to say, that he had for years sought a copy of the work, and had at last been successful, and describes it as "the second edition, considerably enlarged, and ornamented with twenty explanatory engravings from original designs," and as being entitled "Gulliver Revived; or, the Vice of Lying properly exposed, printed for the Kearsleys, at London, 1793." He also describes a second volume, "A Sequel to the Adventures of Baron Munchausen, a new edition, with twenty capital copper-plates, including the Baron's portrait, humbly dedicated to Mr. Bruce, the Abyssinian traveller," published by Symonds, Paternoster Row, 1796.
Copies of both these volumes are in the British Museum, and completely clear up the question. "Gulliver Revived" is identical in every respect with the above described, except that it is called the seventh edition instead of the second. The full title runs-
[THE SEVENTH EDITION,
considerably enlarged, and ornamented with twenty explanatory engravings, from original designs:]GULLIVER REVIVED;
OR, THE VICE OF LYING PROPERLY EXPOSED: CONTAINING SINGULAR TRAVELS, CAMPAIGNS, VOYAGES AND ADVENTURES IN RUSSIA, THE CASPIAN SEA, ICELAND, TURKEY, EGYPT, GIBRALTAR, UP THE MEDITERRANEAN, ON THE ATLANTIC OCEAN, AND THROUGH THE CENTRE OF MOUNT ÆTNA, INTO THE SOUTH SEA.Also
An account of a Voyage into the Moon and Dog star, with many extraordinary particulars relating to the cooking animals in those planets, which are there called the Human Species.
By BARON MUNCHAUSEN.
London: Printed for C. & G. Kearsley, Fleet Street, 1793."
The preface to this seventh edition says, "The first edition was comparatively slow in sale, but the whole of the subsequent impressions were purchased within a short time after they were printed. This seventh edition contains such considerable additions, that it may be fairly considered as a new work."
We thus see that the six editions (the second to the seventh) were issued in 1793, but as the plates to the seventh edition (and doubtless to the second and other editions) bear the imprint, "Published as the Act directs, for G. Kearsley, at 46, in Fleet Street, London, 1786," it becomes evident that the first edition was issued in that year; and that being four years before the publication of Bruce's Travels, which appeared in 1790, the work could not have been written to ridicule them. In fact, recent investigation has rendered it almost a certainty that the original author of "Munchausen's Travels" was a learned but unprincipled scholar, of the name of R. E. Raspe, who had taken refuge in this country from the pursuit of justice (vide Gentleman's Magazine, January, 1857), and that many of his stories are of ancient date, and current in various countries. Many are to be found under the title of "Mendacia Ridicula," in vol. iii. of "Deliciae Academicae," Heilbron, 1665; that of "sound being frozen in a post-horn" is from Rabelais, appears to have been known also in Spain and Italy, and is said by a writer in Notes and Queries (No 61, 1850), to be traceable to one of the later Greek writers, from whom Jeremy Taylor, in one of his sermons, borrows it as an illustration; while the story of "the horse cut in two by the portcullis" is translated by Lady C. Guest, in "The Mabinogion," from an ancient Welsh manuscript.
This being the case, it may reasonably be asked how the very general opinion could have originated, an opinion entertained by Bruce himself, that Munchausen was written to ridicule his travels? and this question appears to derive its conclusive reply from the "Sequel" above alluded to, of which the first edition is in the British Museum, and whose title runs thus:
"(With 20 capital Copper-plates, including the Baron's Portrait.)
A
SEQUEL
TO THE
ADVENTURES
OF
BARON MUNCHAUSEN,Humbly dedicated to
Mr. BRUCE, the Abyssinian Traveller, as the Baron conceives that it may be of some service to him, previous to his making another expedition into Abyssinia. But if this advice does not delightMr. Bruce, the Baron is willing to fight him on any terms he pleases.LONDON:
Printed for H. D. Symonds, Paternoster Row, 1792."
It thus appears that, though the original work was "comparatively slow in sale," a new impetus was
given to it by the issue of this "Sequel" shortly after the publication of Bruce's Travels, and by
the direct attack its title-page and general contents - one of the plates being "an African feast
upon live bulls and kava" - made on that work;
* The Abyssinian custom of feeding upon live flesh seems to have provoked a chorus of incredulity from all quarters. Among others Peter Pindar makes it the subject of one of his satirical flings:-"Nor have I been where men (what loss alas!)Bruce was also ridiculed in an after piece acted in the Haymarket in which Bannister performed the part of Macfable, a Scotch travelling impostor, and the hits against his travels could not be mistaken.
Kill half a cow, then send the rest to grass:"In Sir F. Head's Life of Bruce (page 476), there is the following anecdote:-" One day, while he was at the house of a relation, in East Lothian, a gentleman present bluntly observed that it was not possible that the natives of Abyssinia could eat raw meat! Bruce said not a word; but, leaving the room, shortly returned from the kitchen with a piece of raw beef-steak, peppered and salted in the Abyssinian fashion. 'You will eat that, Sir, or fight me!' he said. When the gentleman had eaten up the raw flesh (most willingly would he have have eaten his words instead), Bruce calmly observed, 'Now Sir, you will never again say it is impossible.'"
It only remains to be added that in this edition we have been fortunate enough to be able to include the whole of the illustrations, both of the original edition and of the "Sequel," and that we believe it to be more complete, in every way, than any which has preceded it.
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
Portrait of the Baron - Frontispiece
The Defeat of the Lion and Crocodile.
Release of the Baron's Charger.
The Stag with the Cherry-tree.
The Baron's Horse going to Tea With the Ladies
The Behaviour of the Baron's Horse at the Feast Table
The Baron's Horse Drinks in the Market-place
The Baron recovers his Hatchet
The Baron helps his Carriage over the Hedge
The Baron helps his Horses over the Hedge
The Baron's Ship and the Whale
The Baron Escapes from the Fish
The Baron in the Almond Tree
The Baron and the Brass Cannon
The Pope and the Fish-woman.
An Inhabitant of the Dog-star.
An Inhabitant of the Moon.
Flight from Margate to South America.
The Baron's Admonition to his Friends.
The Baron on his Voyage to Africa.
The Baron Wrecked on an Island of Ice.
The Boats towing the Island of Ice on which the Baron was Wrecked.
Count Gosamer landed by Sphinx upon the Peak of Teneriffe.
The Baron Defeats a Host of Lions.
An African Feast upon live Bulls and Kava.
Interview between the Baron and the Emperor of the Interior of Africa.
The Bridge from Africa to Great Britain.
The Baron in Danger of being Roasted.
The Baron summons the Castle of Naresin Rowskimowmowsky.
Combat between the Baron and the Nareskin.
The Baron Besieges Seringapatam.
Combat between Baron Munchausen and Tippoo Saib.
Another view of the Combat between Baron Munchausen and Tippoo Saib.
The Baron's preparation for raising the Hull of the Royal George at Spithead.
The Baron raises the Hull of the Royal George.
The Baron Knighting the Fish-woman.
The Baron takes leave of the Royal Family.
WOODCUTS BY G. CRUIKSHANK.
A Good Shot by the Baron.
The Baron Flogs a Fox out of its Skin.
The Fruits of the Baron's Skill.
The Baron's Wonderful Horse.
The Baron and the Elephant.
TO THE PUBLIC.
HAVING heard, for the first time, that my adventures have been doubted and looked upon as jokes, I feel bound to come forward and vindicate my character for veracity, by paying three shillings at the Mansion House of this great city for the affidavits hereto appended.
This I have been forced into in regard of my own honour, although I have retired for many years from public and private life; and I hope that this, my last edition, will place me in a proper light with my readers.
TO THE PUBLIC.
AT THE CITY OF LONDON, ENGLAND.We, the undersigned, as true believers in the profit, do most solemnly affirm, that all the adventures of our friend Baron Munchausen, in whatever country they may lie, are positive and simple facts. And, as we have been believed, whose adventures are tenfold more wonderful, so do we hope all true believers will give him their full faith and credence.
GULLIVER.
SINBAD.
ALADDIN.X
X
XSworn at the Mansion House
9th Nov. last, in the absence
of the Lord Mayor.JOHN (the Porter)
CONTENTS
TRAVELS
OF
BARON MUNCHAUSEN.
CHAPTER I.
[THE BARON IS SUPPOSED TO RELATE THESE ADVENTURES TO HIS FRIENDS OVER A BOTTLE.]
The Baron relates an account of his first travels - The astonishing effects of a storm - Arrives at Ceylon; combats and conquers two extraordinary opponents - Returns to Holland.
SOME years before my beard announced approaching manhood, or, in other words, when I was neither man nor boy, but between both, I expressed in repeated conversations a strong desire of seeing the world, from which I was discouraged by my parents, though my father had been no inconsiderable traveller himself, as will appear before I have reached the end of my singular, and, I may add, interesting adventures. A cousin, by my mother's side, took a liking to me, often said I was a fine forward youth, and was much inclined to gratify my curiosity. His eloquence had more effect than mine, for my father consented to my accompanying him in a voyage to the island of Ceylon, where his uncle had resided as governor many years.
We sailed from Amsterdam with despatches from their High Mightinesses the States of Holland. The only circumstance which happened on our voyage worth relating was the wonderful effects of a storm, which had torn up by the roots a great number of trees of enormous bulk and height, in an island where we lay at anchor to take in wood and water; some of these trees weighed many tons, yet they were carried by the wind so amazingly high, that they appeared like the feathers of small birds floating in the air, for they were at least five miles above the earth; however, as soon as the storm subsided they all fell perpendicularly into their respective places, and took root again, except the largest which happened, when it was blown into the air, to have a man and his wife, a very honest old couple, upon its branches, gathering cucumbers (in this part of the globe that useful vegetable grows upon trees): the weight of this couple, as the tree descended, over-balanced the trunk, and brought it down in an horizontal position; it fell upon the chief man of the island, and killed him on the spot; he had quitted his house in the storm, under an apprehension of its falling upon him, and was returning through his own garden when this fortunate accident happened. The word fortunate, here, requires some explanation. This chief was a man of a very avaricious and oppressive disposition, and though he had no family, the natives of the island were half-starved by his oppressive and infamous impositions.
The very goods which he had thus taken from them were spoiling in his stores, while the poor wretches from whom they were plundered were pining in poverty. Though the destruction of this tyrant was accidental, the people chose the cucumber-gatherers for their governors, as a mark of their gratitude for destroying, though accidentally, their late tyrant.
After we had repaired the damages we sustained in this remarkable storm, and taken leave of the new governor and his lady, we sailed with a fair wind for the object of our voyage.
In about six weeks we arrived at Ceylon, where we were received with great marks of friendship and true politeness. The following singular adventures may not prove unentertaining. After we had resided at Ceylon about a fortnight I accompanied one of the governor's brothers upon a shooting party. He was a strong, athletic man, and being used to that climate (for he had resided there some years), he bore the violent heat of the sun much better than I could; in our excursion he had made a considerable progress though a thick wood when I was only at the entrance.
Near the banks of a large piece of water, which had engaged my attention, I thought I heard a
rustling noise behind; on turning about I was almost petrified (as who would not?) at the sight
of a lion, which was evidently approaching with the intention of satisfying his appetite with my
poor carcase, and that without asking my consent. What was to be done in this horrible dilemma?
I had not even a moment for reflection; my piece was only charged with swan-shot, and I had no
other about me: however, though I could have no idea of killing such an animal with that weak
kind of ammunition, yet I had some hopes of frightening him by the report, and perhaps of
wounding him also. I immediately let fly, without waiting till he was within reach, and the
report did but enrage him, for he now quickened his pace, and seemed to approach me full speed:
I attempted to escape, but that only added (if an addition could be made) to my distress; for the
moment I turned about I found a large crocodile, with his mouth extended almost ready to receive
me. On my right hand was the piece of water before mentioned, and on my left a deep precipice,
said to have, as I have since learned, a receptacle at the bottom for venomous creatures; in
short I gave myself up as lost, for the lion was now upon his hind-legs, just in the act of
seizing me; I fell involuntarily to the ground with fear, and, as it afterwards appeared, he
sprang over me. I lay some time in a situation which no language can describe, expecting to feel
his teeth or talons in some part of me every moment : after waiting in this prostrate situation a
few seconds I heard a violent but unusual noise, different from any sound that had ever before
assailed my ears; nor is it at all to be wondered at, when I inform you from whence it proceeded:
after listening for some time, I ventured to raise my head and look round, when, to my unspeakable
joy, I perceived the lion had, by the eagerness with which he sprung at me, jumped forward, as I
fell, into the crocodile's mouth! which, as before observed, was wide open; the head of the one
stuck in the throat of the other! and they were struggling to extricate themselves! I fortunately
recollected my couteau de Chasse, which was by my side; with this instrument I severed the lion's
head at one blow, and the body fell at my feet! I then, with the butt-end of my fowling-piece,
rammed the head farther into the throat of the crocodile, and destroyed him by suffocation, for
he could neither gorge nor eject it.
Soon after I had thus gained a complete victory over my two powerful adversaries my companion arrived in search of me; for finding I did not follow him into the wood, he returned, apprehending I had lost my way, or met with some accident.
After mutual congratulations, we measured the crocodile, which was just forty feet in length.
As soon as we had related this extraordinary adventure to the governor, he sent a wagon and servants, who brought home the two carcases. The lion's skin was properly preserved, with its hair on, after which it was made into tobacco-pouches, and presented by me, upon our return to Holland, to the burgomasters, who, in return, requested my acceptance of a thousand ducats.
The skin of the crocodile was stuffed in the usual manner, and makes a capital article in their public museum at Amsterdam, where the exhibitor relates the whole story to each spectator, with such additions as he thinks proper. Some of his variations are rather extravagant; one of them is, that the lion jumped quite through the crocodile, and was making his escape at the back door, when, as soon as his head appeared, Monsieur the Great Baron (as he is pleased to call me) cut it off, and three feet of the crocodile's tail along with it; nay, so little attention has this fellow to the truth, that he sometimes adds, as soon as the crocodile missed his tail, he turned about, snatched the couteau de chasse out of Monsieur's hand, and swallowed it with such eagerness that it pierced his heart and killed him immediately!
The little regard which this impudent knave has to veracity makes me sometimes apprehensive that
my real facts may fall under suspicion, by being found in company with his confounded inventions.
CHAPTER II.
In which the Baron proves himself a good shot - He loses his horse, and finds a wolf - Makes
him draw his sledge - Promises to entertain his company with a relation of such facts as are well
deserving their notice.
I SET off from Rome on a journey to Russia, in the midst of winter, from a just notion that frost
and snow must of course mend the roads, which every traveller had described as uncommonly bad
through the northern parts of Germany, Poland, Courland, and Livonia. I went on horseback, as the
most convenient manner of travelling; I was but lightly clothed, and of this I felt the
inconvenience the more I advanced north east. What must not a poor old man have suffered in that
severe weather and climate, whom I saw on a bleak common in Poland, lying on the road, helpless,
shivering, and hardly having wherewithal to cover his nakedness? I pitied the poor soul: though
I felt the severity of the air myself, I threw my mantle over him, and immediately I heard a voice
from the heavens, blessing me for that piece of charity, saying,
"You will be rewarded, my son, for this in time."
I went on: night and darkness overtook me. No village was to be seen. The country was covered with
snow, and I was unacquainted with the road. Tired, I alighted, and fastened my horse to something
like a pointed stump of a tree, which appeared above the snow; for the sake of safety I placed my
pistols under my arm, and laid down on the snow, where I slept so soundly that I did not open my
eyes till full daylight. It is not easy to conceive my astonishment to find myself in the midst of
a village, lying in a churchyard ; nor was my horse to be seen, but I heard him soon after neigh
somewhere above me. On looking upwards I beheld him hanging by his bridle to the weather-cock of
the steeple. Matters were now very plain to me: the village had been covered with snow overnight;
a sudden change of weather had taken place; I had sunk down to the churchyard whilst asleep,
gently, and in the same proportion as the snow had melted away; and what in the dark I had taken
to be a stump of a little tree appearing above the snow, to which I had tied my horse, proved to
have been the cross or weather-cock of the steeple!
Without long consideration I took one of my pistols, shot the bridle in two, brought down the
horse, and proceeded on my journey. [Here the Baron seems to have forgot his feelings; he should
certainly have ordered his horse a feed of corn, after fasting so long.]
He carried me well - advancing into the interior parts of Russia. I found travelling on horseback
rather unfashionable in winter, therefore I submitted, as I always do, to the custom of the
country, took a single horse sledge, and drove briskly towards St. Petersburg. I do not exactly
recollect whether it was in Eastland or Jugemanland, but I remember that in the midst of a dreary
forest I spied a terrible wolf making after me, with all the speed of ravenous winter hunger.
He soon overtook me. There was no possibility of escape. Mechanically I laid myself down flat in
the sledge, and let my horse run for our safety. What I wished, but hardly hoped or expected,
happened immediately after. The wolf did not mind me in the least, but took a leap over me, and
falling furiously on the horse, began instantly to tear and devour the hind-part of the poor
animal, which ran the faster for his pain and terror. Thus unnoticed and safe myself, I lifted my
head slyly up, and with horror I beheld that the wolf had ate his way into the horse's body; it
was not long before he had fairly forced himself into it, when I took my advantage, and fell upon
him with the butt-end of my whip. This unexpected attack in his rear frightened him so much, that
he leaped forward with all his might: the horse's carcase dropped on the ground, but in his place
the wolf was in the harness, and I on my part whipping him continually: we both arrived in full
career safe to St. Petersburg, contrary to our respective expectations, and very much to the
astonishment of the spectators.
I shall not tire you, gentlemen, with the politics, arts, sciences, and history of this
magnificent metropolis of Russia, not trouble you with the various intrigues and pleasant
adventures I had in the politer circles of that country, where the lady of the house always
receives the visitor with a dram and a salute. I shall confine myself rather to the greater
and nobler objects of your attention, horses and dogs, my favourites in the brute creation; also
to foxes, wolves, and bears, with which, and game in general, Russia abounds more than any other
part of the world ; and to such sports, manly exercises, and feats of gallantry and activity, as
show the gentleman better than musty Greek or Latin, or all the perfume, finery, and capers of
French wits or petit maitres.
CHAPTER III.
An encounter between the Baron's nose and a door post, with its wonderful effects - Fifty brace
of ducks and other fowl destroyed by one shot - Flogs a fox out of his skin - Leads an old
sow home in a new way, and vanquishes a wild boar.
IT was some time before I could obtain a commission in the army, and for several months I was
perfectly at liberty to sport away my time and money in the most gentleman-like manner. You may
easily imagine that I spent much of both out of town with such gallant fellows as knew how to make
the most of an open forest country. The very recollection of those amusements gives me fresh
spirits, and creates a warm wish for a repetition of them. One morning I saw, through the windows
of my bed-room, that a large pond not far off was covered with wild ducks. In an instant I took my
gun from the corner, ran down-stairs and out of the house in such a hurry, that I imprudently
struck my face against the door-post. Fire flew out of my eyes, but it did not prevent my
intention; I soon came within shot, when, levelling my piece, I observed to my sorrow, that even
the flint had sprung from the cock by the violence of the shock I had just received. There was no
time to be lost. I presently remembered the effect it had on my eyes, therefore opened the pan,
levelled my piece against the wild fowls, and my fist against one of my eyes. [The Baron's eyes
have retained fire ever since, and appear particularly illuminated when he relates this anecdote.]
A hearty blow drew sparks again; the shot went off, and I killed fifty brace of ducks, twenty
widgeons, and three couple of teals. Presence of mind is the soul of manly exercises. If soldiers
and sailors owe to it many of their lucky escapes, hunters and sportsmen are not less beholden to
it for many of their successes. In a noble forest in Russia I met a fine black fox, whose valuable
skin it would have been a pity to tear by ball or shot. Reynard stood close to a tree. In a
twinkling I took out my ball, and placed a good spike-nail in its room, fired, and hit him so
Chance and good luck often correct our mistakes ; of this I had a singular instance soon after,
when, in the depth of a forest, I saw a wild pig and sow running close behind each other. My ball
had missed them, yet the foremost pig only ran away, and the sow stood motionless, as fixed to the
ground. On examining into the matter, I found the latter one to be an old sow, blind with age,
which had taken hold of her pig's tail, in order to be led along by filial duty. My ball, having
passed between the two, had cut his leading-string, which the old sow continued to hold in her
mouth; and as her former guide did not draw her on any longer, she had stopped of course; I
therefore laid hold of the remaining end of the pig's tail, and led the old beast home without
any farther trouble on my part, and without any reluctance or apprehension on the part of the
helpless old animal.
Terrible as these wild sows are, yet more fierce and dangerous are the boars, one of which I had
once the misfortune to meet in a forest, unprepared for attack or defence. I retired behind an
oak-tree just when the furious animal levelled a side-blow at me, with such force, that his tusks
pierced through the tree, by which means he could neither repeat the blow nor retire. Ho, ho!
thought I, I shall soon have you now! and immediately I laid hold of a stone, wherewith I hammered
and bent his tusks in such a manner, that he could not retreat by any means, and must wait my
return from the next village, whither I went for ropes and a cart, to secure him properly, and to
carry him off safe and alive, in which I perfectly succeeded.
CHAPTER IV.
Reflections on Saint Hubert's stag - Shoots a stag with cherry-stones; the wonderful effects of it -
kills a bear by extraordinary dexterity; his danger pathetically described - Attacked by a wolf,
which he turns inside out - Is assailed by a mad dog, from which he escapes - The Baron's cloak
seized with madness, by which his whole wardrobe is thrown into confusion.
YOU have heard, I dare say, of the hunter and sportsman's saint and protector, St. Hubert, and of
the noble stag, which appeared to him in the forest, with the holy cross between his antlers. I
have paid my homage to that saint every year in good fellowship, and seen this stag a thousand
times, either painted in churches, or embroidered in the stars of his knights; so that, upon the
honour and conscience of a good sportsman, I hardly know whether there may not have been formerly,
or whether there are not such crossed stags even at this present day. But let me rather tell what I
have seen myself: Having one day spent all my shot, I found myself unexpectedly in presence of a
stately stag, looking at me as unconcernedly as it he had known of my empty pouches. I charged
immediately with powder, and upon it a good handful of cherry-stones, for I had sucked the fruit
as far as the hurry would permit. Thus I let fly at him, and hit him just on the middle of the
forehead, between his antlers; it stunned him - he staggered - yet he made off. A year or two
after, being with a party in the same forest, I beheld a noble stag with a fine full grown
cherry-tree above ten feet high between his antlers. I immediately recollected my former adventure,
looked upon him as my property, and brought him to the ground by one shot, which at once gave me
the haunch and cherry-sauce; for the tree was covered with the richest fruit, the like I had never
tasted before. Who knows but some passionate holy sportsman, or sporting abbot or bishop, may
have shot, planted, and fixed the cross between the antlers of St. Hubert's stag, in a manner
similar to this? They always have been, and still are, famous for plantations of crosses and
antlers; and in a case of distress or dilemma, which too often happens to keen sportsmen, one
is apt to grasp at anything for safety, and to try any expedient rather than miss the favourable
opportunity. I have many times found myself in that trying situation.
What do you say of this, for example? Day-light and powder were spent one day in a Polish
forest. When I was going home a terrible bear made up to me in great speed, with open mouth,
ready to fall upon me; ail my pockets were searched in an instant for powder and ball, but
in vain; I found nothing but two spare flints; one I flung with all my might into the monster's
open jaws, down his throat. It gave him pain and made him turn about, so that I could level
the second at his back-door, which, indeed, I did with wonderful success; for it flew in, met
the first flint in the stomach, struck fire, and blew up the bear with a terrible explosion.
Though I came safe off that time, yet I should not wish to try it again, or venture against bears
with no other ammunition.
There is a kind of fatality in it. The fiercest and most dangerous animals generally came
upon me when defenceless, as if they had a notion or an instinctive intimation of it. Thus
a frightful wolf rushed upon me so suddenly, and so close, that I could do nothing but follow
mechanical instinct, and thrust my fist into his open mouth. For safety's sake I pushed on and on,
till my arm was fairly in up to the shoulder. How should I disengage myself? I was not much pleased
with my awkward situation - with a wolf face to face; our ogling was not of the most pleasant
kind. If I withdrew my arm then the animal would fly the more furiously upon me; that I saw in his
flaming eyes. In short, I laid hold of his tail, turned him inside out like a glove, and flung him
to the ground, where I left him.
The same expedient would not have answered against a mad dog, which soon after came running against
me in a narrow street at St. Petersburg. Run who can, I thought; and to do this the better, I threw
off my fur cloak. and was safe within doors in an instant. I sent my servant for the cloak, and he
put it in the wardrobe with my other clothes. The day after I was amazed and frightened by Jack's
bawling, "For God's sake, sir, your fur cloak is mad!" I hastened up to him, and found almost all
my clothes tossed about and torn to pieces. The fellow was perfectly right in his apprehensions
about the fur cloak's madness. I saw him myself just then falling upon a fine full-dress suit,
which he shook and tossed in an unmerciful manner.
CHAPTER V.
The effects of great activity and presence of mind - A favourite hound described, which pups
while pursuing a hare; the hare also litters while pursued by the hound - Presented with a
famous horse by Count Przobossky, with which he performs many extraordinary feats.
ALL these narrow and lucky escapes, gentlemen, were
chances turned to advantage by presence of mind and vigorous exertions, which,
taken together, as everybody knows, make the fortunate sportsman, sailor, and
soldier; but he would be a very blamable and imprudent sportsman, admiral,
or general, who would always depend upon chance and his stars, without
troubling himself about those arts which are their particular pursuits, and
without providing the very best implements, which insure success. I was not
blamable either way; for I have always been as remarkable for the excellency of
my horses, dogs, guns, and swords, as for the proper manner of using and
managing them, so that upon the whole I may hope to be remembered in the forest,
upon the turf, and in the field. I shall not enter here into any detail of my
stables, kennel, or armoury; but a favourite bitch of mine I cannot help
mentioning to you; she was a greyhound; and I never had or saw a better. She
grew old in my service, and was not remarkable for her size, but rather for her
uncommon swiftness. I always coursed with her. Had you seen her you must have
admired her, and would not have wondered at my predilection, and at my coursing
her so much. She ran so fast, so much, and so long in my service, that she
actually ran off her legs ; so that, in the latter part of her life, I was
under the necessity of working and using her only as a terrier, in which
quality she still served me many years.
Coursing one day a hare, which appeared to me uncommonly big, I pitied my poor bitch, being big with
pups, yet she would course as fast as ever. I could follow her on horseback only at a great distance.
At once I heard a cry as it were of a pack of hounds - but so weak and faint that I hardly knew what to
make of it. Coming up to them, I was greatly surprised. The hare had littered in running ; the same had
happened to my bitch in coursing, and there were just as many leverets as pups. By instinct the former
ran, the latter coursed: and thus I found myself in possession at once of six hares, and as many
dogs, at the end of a course which had only begun with one.
I could not indeed have received a more agreeable present, nor a more
ominous one at the opening of that campaign, in which I made my apprenticeship
as a soldier. A horse so gentle, so spirited, and so fierce - at once a lamb
and a Bucephalus, put me always in mind of the soldier's and the gentleman's
duty! of young Alexander, and of the astonishing things he performed in the field.
We took the field, among several other reasons, it seems, with an intention to retrieve the character
of the Russian arms, which had been blemished a little by Czar Peter's last campaign on the Pruth; and
this we fully accomplished by several very fatiguing and glorious campaigns under the command of that
great general I mentioned before.
Modesty forbids individuals to arrogate to themselves great successes or victories, the glory of
which is generally engrossed by, the commander - nay, which is rather awkward, by kings
and queens who never smelt gunpowder but at the field-days and reviews of their troops; never
saw a field of battle, or an enemy in battle array.
Nor do I claim any particular share of glory in the great engagements with the enemy. We
all did our duty, which, in the patriot's, soldier's, and gentleman's language, is a very comprehensive
word, of great honour, meaning, and import, and of which the generality of idle
quidnuncs and coffee-house politicians can hardly form any but a very mean and contemptible
idea. However, having had the command of a body of hussars, I went upon
several expeditions, with discretionary powers; and the success I then met with
is, I think, fairly and only to be placed to my account, and to that of the
brave fellows whom I led on to conquest and to victory. We had very hot
work once in the van of the army, when we drove the Turks into Oczakow. My
spirited Lithuanian had almost brought me into a scrape: I had an advanced
fore-post, and saw the enemy coming against me in a cloud of dust, which left
me rather uncertain about their actual numbers and real intentions: to wrap
myself up in a similar cloud was common prudence, but would not have much
advanced my knowledge, or answered the end for which I had been sent out;
therefore I let my flankers on both wings spread to the right and left, and
make what dust they could, and I myself led on straight upon the enemy, to have
a nearer sight of them: in this I was gratified, for they stood and fought,
till, for fear of my flankers, they began to move off rather disorderly. This
was the moment to fall upon them with spirit; we broke them entirely - made a
terrible havoc amongst them, and drove them not only back to a walled town in
their rear, but even through it, contrary to our most sanguine expectation.
The swiftness of my Lithuanian enabled me to be foremost in the pursuit; and
seeing the enemy fairly flying through the opposite gate, I thought it would be
prudent to stop in the market-place, to order the men to rendezvous. I stopped,
gentlemen; but judge of my astonishment when in this market-place I saw not one
of my hussars about me! Are they scouring the other streets? or what is become
of them? They could not be far off, and must, at all events, soon join me. In
that expectation I walked my panting Lithuanian to a spring in this
market-place, and let him drink. He drank uncommonly, with an eagerness not to
be satisfied, but natural enough; for when I looked round for my men, what
should I see, gentlemen ! the hind part of the poor creature - croup and legs
were missing, as if he had been cut in two, and the water ran out as it came
in, without refreshing or doing him any good! How it could have happened was
quite a mystery to me, till I returned with him to the town-gate. There I saw,
that when I rushed in pell-mell with the flying enemy, they had dropped the
portcullis (a heavy falling door, with sharp spikes at the bottom, let down
suddenly to prevent the entrance of an enemy into a fortified town) unperceived
by me, which had totally cut off his hind part, that still lay quivering on the
outside of the gate. It would have been an irreparable loss, had not our
farrier contrived to bring both parts together while hot. He sewed them up with
sprigs and young shoots of laurels that were at hand; the wound healed, and,
what could not have happened but to so glorious a horse, the sprigs took root
in his body, grew up, and formed a bower over me; so that afterwards I
could go upon many other expeditions in the shade of my own and my horse's laurels.
CHAPTER VI.
The Baron is made a prisoner of war, and sold for a slave - Keeps the
Sultan's bees, which are attacked by two bears - Loses one of his bees; a
silver hatchet, which he throws at the bears, rebounds and flies up to the
moon; brings it back by an ingenious invention; falls to the earth on his
return, and helps himself out of a pit - Extricates himself from a carriage
which meets his in a narrow road, in a manner never before attempted nor
practised since - The wonderful effects of the frost upon his servant's
French horn.
I WAS not always successful. I had the misfortune to be
overpowered by numbers, to be made prisoner of war; and, what is worse, but
always usual among the Turks, to be sold for a slave. [The Baron was afterwards
in great favour with the Grand Seignior, as will appear hereafter.] In that
state of humiliation my daily task was not very hard and laborious, but rather
singular and irksome. It was to drive the Sultan's bees every morning to their
pasture-grounds, to attend them all the day long, and against night to drive
them back to their hives. One evening I missed a bee, and soon observed that
two bears had fallen upon her to tear her to pieces for the honey she carried.
I had nothing like an offensive weapon in my hands but the silver hatchet,
which is the badge of the Sultan's gardeners and farmers. I threw it at the
robbers, with an intention to frighten them away, and set the poor bee at
liberty; but, by an unlucky turn of my arm, it flew upwards, and continued
Peace was soon after concluded with the Turks, and gaining my liberty, I
left St. Petersburg at the time of that singular revolution, when the emperor
in his cradle, his mother, the Duke of Brunswick, her father, Field-Marshal
Munich, and many others were sent to Siberia. The winter was then so
uncommonly severe all over Europe, that ever since the sun seems to be frost-bitten. At my return to
this place, I felt on the road greater inconveniences than those I had experienced on my setting out.
Suddenly we heard a tereng! tereng! teng! teng! We looked round, and
now found the reason why the postilion had not been able to sound his horn;
his tunes were frozen up in the horn, and came out now by thawing, plain
enough, and much to the credit of the driver, so that the honest fellow
entertained us for some time with a variety of tunes, without putting his mouth
to the horn - The King of Prussia's March - Over the Hill and over the
Dale - with many other favourite tunes; at length the thawing entertainment
concluded, as I shall this short account of my Russian travels.
Some travellers are apt to advance more than is perhaps strictly true; if
any of the company entertain a doubt of racy veracity, I shall only say
to such, I pity their want of faith, and must request they will take leave
before I begin the second part of my adventures, which are as strictly founded
in fact as those I have already related.
TRAVELS
CHAPTER VII.
The Baron relates his adventures on a voyage to North America, which are
well worth the reader's attention - Pranks of a whale - A sea gull saves a
sailor's life - The Baron's head forced into his stomach - A dangerous leak
stopped a posteriori.
I EMBARKED at Portsmouth in a first-rate English
man-of-war, of one hundred guns, and fourteen hundred men, for North America.
Nothing worth relating happened till we arrived within three hundred leagues of
the river St. Laurence, when the ship struck with amazing force against (as
we supposed) a rock; however, upon heaving the lead we could find no bottom,
even with three hundred fathom. What made this circumstance the more wonderful,
and indeed beyond all comprehension, was, that the violence of the shock was
such that we lost our rudder, broke our bow-sprit in the middle, and split all
our masts from top to bottom, two of which went by the board; a poor fellow,
My situation, while I sat there, was rather cool, but the carpenter's art
soon relieved me.
CHAPTER VIII.
Bathes in the Mediterranean - Meets an unexpected companion - Arrives
unintentionally in the regions of heat and darkness, from which he is extricated
by dancing a hornpipe - frightens his deliverers, and returns on shore.
I WAS once in great danger of being lost in a most
singular manner in the Mediterranean: I was bathing in that pleasant sea near
Marseilles one summer's afternoon, when I discovered a very large fish, with
his jaws quite extended, approaching me with the greatest velocity; there was
no time to be lost, nor could I possibly avoid him. I immediately reduced
myself to as small a size as possible, by closing my feet and placing my hands
also near my sides, in which position I passed directly between his jaws, and
into his stomach, where I remained some time in total darkness, and comfortably
warm, as you may imagine; at last it occurred to me, that by giving him pain he
would be glad to get rid of me: as I had plenty of room, I played my pranks,
After taking some refreshment, and jumping into the sea to cleanse myself,
I swam to my clothes, which lay where I had left them on the shore. As near as
I can calculate, I was near four hours and a half confined in the stomach
of this animal.
CHAPTER IX.
Adventures in Turkey, and upon the river Nile - Sees a balloon over
Constantinople; shoots at, and brings it down; finds a French experimental
philosopher suspended from it - Goes on au embassy to Grand Cairo,
and returns upon the Nile, where he is thrown into an unexpected situation,
and detained six weeks.
WHEN I was in the service of the Turks I frequently
amused myself in a pleasure-barge on the Marmora, which commands a view of the
whole city of Constantinople, including the Grand Seignior's Seraglio. One
morning, as I was admiring the beauty and serenity of the sky, I observed a
globular substance in the air, which appeared to be about the size of a
twelve-inch globe, with somewhat suspended from it. I immediately took up my
largest and longest barrel fowling piece, which I never travel or make even
an excursion without, if I can help it; I charged with a ball, and fired at the
globe, but to no purpose, the object being at too great a distance. I then put
in a double quantity of powder, and five or six balls: this second attempt
succeeded; all the balls took effect, and tore one side open, and brought it
down. Judge my surprise when a most elegant gilt car, with a man in it, and
part of a sheep which seemed to have been roasted, fell within two yards of me;
when my astonishment had in some degree subsided, I ordered my people to row
close to this strange aerial traveller.
I took him on board my barge (he was a native of France): he was much
indisposed from his sudden fall into the sea, and incapable of speaking; after
some time, however, he recovered, and gave the following account of himself,
viz.: "About seven or eight days since, I cannot tell which, for I have lost my
reckoning, having been most of the time where the sun never sets, I ascended
from the Land's End in Cornwall, in the island of Great Britain, in the car
from which I have been just taken, suspended from a very large balloon, and
took a sheep with me, to try atmospheric experiments upon : unfortunately, the
wind changed within ten minutes after my ascent, and instead of driving towards
Exeter, where I intended to land, I was driven towards the sea, over which I
suppose I have continued ever since, but much too high to make observations.
"The calls of hunger were so pressing, that the intended experiments upon
heat and respiration gave way to them. I was obliged, on the third day, to kill
the sheep for food; and being at that time infinitely above the moon, and for
upwards of sixteen hours after so very near the sun that it scorched my eye-brows,
I placed the carcase, taking care to skin it first, in that part of the car
where the sun had sufficient power, or, in other words, where the balloon did
not shade it from the sun, by which method it was well roasted in about two
hours. This has been my food ever since." Here he paused, and seemed lost in
viewing the objects about him. When I told him the buildings before us were
the Grand Seignior's Seraglio at Constantinople, he seemed exceedingly
affected, as he had supposed himself in a very different situation.
"The cause," added he, "of my long flight, was owing to the failure of a string
which was fixed to a valve in the balloon, intended to let out the inflammable
air; and if it had not been fired at, and rent in the manner before mentioned,
I might, like Mahomet, have been suspended between heaven and earth till
doomsday."
The Grand Seignior, to whom I was introduced by the Imperial, Russian, and
French ambassadors, employed me to negotiate a matter of great importance at
Grand Cairo, and which was of such a nature that it must ever remain a secret.
CHAPTER X.
Pays a visit during the siege of Gibraltar to his old friend General
Elliot - Sinks a Spanish man-of-war - Wakes an old woman on the African
coast - Destroys all the enemy's cannon; frightens the Count d'Artois,
and sends him to Paris - Saves the lives of two English spies with the
identical sling that killed Goliath; and raises the siege.
DURING the late siege of Gibraltar I went with a
provision-fleet, under Lord Rodney's command, to see my old friend General
Elliot, who has, by his distinguished defence of that place, acquired laurels
that can never fade. After the usual joy which generally attends the meeting
of old friends had subsided, I went to examine the state of the garrison, and
view the operations of the enemy, for which purpose the General accompanied me.
I had brought a most excellent refracting telescope with me from London, purchased of
Dollond, by the help of which I found the enemy were going to discharge a thirty-six
pounder at the spot where we stood. I told the General what they were about; he looked
through the glass also, and found my conjectures right. I immediately, by his permission, ordered
a forty-eight pounder to be brought from a neighbouring battery, which I placed with so
much exactness (having long studied the art of gunnery) that I was sure of my mark.
I continued watching the enemy till I saw the match placed at the touch-hole
of their piece; at that very instant I gave the signal for our gun to be fired
also.
About midway between the two pieces of cannon the balls struck each other
with amazing force, and the effect was astonishing! The enemy's ball recoiled
back with such violence as to kill the man who had discharged it, by carrying
his head fairly off, with sixteen others which it met with in its progress to
the Barbary coast, where its force, after passing through three masts of vessels
that then lay in a line behind each other in the harbour, was so much spent,
that it only broke its way through the roof of a poor labourer's hut, about two
hundred yards inland, and destroyed a few teeth an old woman had left, who lay
asleep upon her back with her mouth open. The ball lodged in her throat. Her
husband soon after came home, and endeavoured to extract it; but finding that
impracticable, by the assistance of a rammer he forced it into her stomach. Our
ball did excellent service; for it not only repelled the other in the manner
just described, but, proceeding as I intended it should, it dismounted the very
piece of cannon that had just been employed against us, and forced it into the
hold of the ship, where it fell with so much force as to break its way through
the bottom. The ship immediately filled and sank, with above a thousand Spanish
sailors on board, besides a considerable number of soldiers. This, to be sure,
was a most extraordinary exploit; I will not, however, take the whole merit to
myself; my judgement was the principal engine, but chance assisted me a little;
for I afterwards found, that the man who charged our forty-eight ponder put in,
by mistake, a double quantity of powder, else we could never have succeeded so
much beyond all expectation, especially in repelling the enemy's ball.
General Elliot would have given me a commission for this singular piece of
service ; but I declined everything, except his thanks, which I received at a
crowded table of officers at supper on the evening of that very day.
As I am very partial to the English, who are beyond all doubt a brave people,
I determined not to take my leave of the garrison till I had rendered them
another piece of service, and in about three weeks an opportunity presented
itself. I dressed myself in the habit of a Popish priest, and at about one
o'clock in the morning stole out of the garrison, passed the enemy's lines, and
arrived in the middle of their camp, where I entered the tent in which the
Prince d'Artois was, with the commander-in-chief, and several other officers,
in deep council, concerting a plan to storm the garrison next morning. My
disguise was my protection; they suffered me to continue there, hearing
everything that passed, till they went to their several beds. When I found the
whole camp, and even the sentinels, were wrapped up in the arms of Morpheus, I
began my work, which was that of dismounting all their cannon (above three
hundred pieces), from forty-eight to twenty-four pounders, and throwing them
Before I applied the lighted match I had laid the combustibles at the bottom
so judiciously, that the whole was in a blaze in a moment. To prevent suspicion
I was one of the first to express my surprise. The whole camp was, as you may
imagine, petrified with astonishment the general conclusion was, that their
sentinels had been bribed, and that seven or eight regiments of the garrison
had been employed in this horrid destruction of their artillery. Mr. Drinkwater,
in his account of this famous siege, mentions the enemy sustaining a great
loss by a fire which happened in their camp, but never knew the cause; how
should he? as I never divulged it before (though I alone saved Gibraltar by
this night's business), not even to General Elliot. The Count d'Artois and all
his attendants ran away in their fright, and never stopped on the road till
they reached Paris, which they did in about a fortnight; this dreadful
conflagration had such an effect upon them that they were incapable of taking
the least refreshment for three months after, but, chameleon-like, lived upon
the air.
If any gentleman will say he doubts the truth of this story, I will fine
him a gallon of brandy and make him drink it at one draught.
About two months after I had done the besieged this service, one morning, as
I sat at breakfast with General Elliot, a shell (for I had not time to destroy
their mortars as well as their cannon) entered the apartment we were sitting in;
it lodged upon our table: the General, as most men would do, quitted the room
directly; but I took it up before it burst, and carried it to top of the rock,
when, looking over the enemy's camp, on an eminence near the sea-coast I
observed a considerable number of people, but could not, with my naked eye,
discover how they were employed. I had recourse again to my telescope, when I
found that two of our officers, one a general, the other a colonel, with whom I
had spent the preceding evening, and who went out into the enemy's camp about
midnight as spies, were taken, and then were actually going to be executed on a
gibbet. I found the distance too great to throw the shell with my hand, but
most fortunately recollecting that I had the very sling in my pocket which
assisted David in slaying Goliah, I placed the shell in it, and immediately
threw it in the midst of them: it burst as it fell, and destroyed all present,
except the two culprits, who were saved by being suspended so high, for
they were just turned off: however, one of the pieces of the shell fled with
such force against the foot of the gibbet, that it immediately brought it down.
Our two friends no sooner felt terra firma, than they looked about for the
cause; and finding their guards, executioner, and all, had taken it in their
heads to die first, they directly extricated each other from their disgraceful
cords, and then ran down to the sea-shore, seized a Spanish boat with two men
in it, and made them row to one of our ships, which they did with great safety,
and in a few minutes after, when I was relating to General Elliot how I had
acted, they both took us by the hand, and after mutual congratulations we
retired to spend the day with festivity.
CHAPTER XI.
An interesting account of the Baron's ancestors - A quarrel relative to
the spot where Noah built his ark - The history of the sling, and its
properties - A favourite poet introduced upon no very reputable occasion -
Queen Elizabeth's abstinence - The Baron's father crosses from England to
Holland upon a marine horse, which he sells for seven hundred ducats.
YOU wish (I can see by your countenances) I would
inform you how became possessed of such a treasure as the sling just mentioned.
(Here facts must be held sacred.) Thus then it was: I am a descendant of the
wife of Uriah, whom we all know David was intimate with; she had several
children by his majesty; they quarrelled once upon a matter of the first
consequence, viz., the spot where Noah's ark was built, and where it rested
after the flood. A separation consequently ensued. She had often heard him
speak of this sling as his most valuable treasure - this she stole the night
they parted; it was missed before she got out of his dominions, and she was
pursued by no less than six of the king's body-guards: however, by using it
herself she hit the first of them (for one was more active in the pursuit than
the rest) where David did Goliah, and killed him on the spot. His companions
were so alarmed at his fall that they retired, and left Uriah's wife to pursue
her journey. She took with her, I should have informed you before, her favourite
son by this connection, to whom she bequeathed the sling; and thus it has,
without interruption, descended from father to son till it came into my
possession. One of its possessors, my great great great grandfather, who lived
about two hundred and fifty years ago, was upon a visit to England, and became
intimate with a poet who was a great deerstealer; I think his name was
Shakespeare: he frequently borrowed this sling, and with it killed so much of
Sir Thomas Lucy's venison, that he narrowly escaped the fate of my two friends
at Gibraltar. Poor Shakespeare was imprisoned, and my ancestor obtained his
freedom in a very singular manner. Queen Elizabeth was then on the throne, but
grown so indolent, that every trifling matter was become a trouble to her;
dressing, undressing, eating, drinking, and some other offices which shall be
nameless, made life a burden to her; all these things he enabled her to do
without, or by a deputy! and what do you think was the only return she could
prevail upon him to accept for such eminent services? setting Shakespeare at
liberty! Such was his affection for that famous writer, that he would have
shortened his own days to add to the number of his friend's.
I do not hear that any of the queen's subjects, particularly the
beef-eaters, as they are vulgarly called to this day, however they might
be struck with the novelty at the time, much approved of her living totally
without food. She did not survive the practice herself above seven years and a half.
My father, who was the immediate possessor of this sling before me, told me
the following anecdote:-
He was walking by the sea-shore at Harwich, with this sling in his pocket;
before his paces had covered a mile he was attacked by a fierce animal called a
seahorse, open-mouthed, who ran at him with great fury; he hesitated a moment,
then took out his sling, retreated back about a hundred yards, stooped for
a couple of pebbles, of which there were plenty under his feet, and slung them
both so dexterously at the animal, that each stone put out an eye, and lodged
in the cavities which their removal had occasioned. He now got upon his back,
and drove him into the sea; for the moment he lost his sight he lost also his
ferocity, and became as tame as possible: the sling was placed as a bridle in
his mouth; he was guided with the greatest facility across the ocean, and in
less than three hours they both arrived on the opposite shore, which is about
thirty leagues. The master of the Three Cups, at Helvoetsluys, in
Holland, purchased this marine horse, to make an exhibition of, for seven
hundred ducats, which was upwards of three hundred pounds, and the next day my
father paid his passage back in the packet to Harwich.
- My father made several curious observations in this passage, which I
will relate hereafter.
CHAPTER XII.
The frolic; its consequences - Windsor Castle - St. Paul's - College
of Physicians - Undertakers, sextons, &c., almost ruined - Industry of the
apothecaries.
THE FROLIC.
THIS famous sling makes the possessor equal to any task
he is desirous of performing.
I made a balloon of such extensive dimensions, that an account of the silk
it contained would exceed all credibility; every mercer's shop and weaver's
stock in London, Westminster, and Spitalfields contributed to it: with this
balloon and my sling I played many tricks, such as taking one house from its
station, and placing another in its stead, without disturbing the inhabitants,
who were generally asleep, or too much employed to observe the peregrinations
of their habitations. When the sentinel at Windsor Castle heard St. Paul's
clock strike thirteen, it was through my dexterity; I brought the buildings
nearly together that night, by placing the castle in St. George's Fields, and
carried it back again before daylight, without waking any of the inhabitants;
notwithstanding these exploits, I should have kept my balloon and its properties
a secret, if Montgolfier had not made the art of flying so public.
On the 30th of September, when the College of Physicians chose their annual
officers, and dined sumptuously together, I filled my balloon, brought it over
the dome of their building, clapped the sling round the golden ball at the top,
fastening the other end of it to the balloon and immediately ascended with the
whole college to an immense height, where I kept them upwards of three months.
You will naturally inquire what they did for food such a length of time? To
this I answer, Had I kept them suspended twice the time, they would have
experienced no inconvenience on that account, so amply, or rather extravagantly,
had they spread their table for that day's feasting.
Though this was meant as an innocent frolic, it was productive of much
mischief to several respectable characters amongst the clergy, undertakers,
sextons, and grave-diggers: they were, it must be acknowledged, sufferers; for
it is a well-known fact, that during the three months the college was suspended
in the air, and therefore incapable of attending their patients, no deaths
happened, except a few who fell before the scythe of Father Time, and some
melancholy objects who, perhaps to avoid some trifling inconvenience here, laid
the hands of violence upon themselves, and plunged into misery infinitely
greater than that which they hoped by such a rash step to avoid, without a
moment's consideration.
If the apothecaries had not been very active during the above time, half the
undertakers in all probability would have been bankrupts.
CHAPTER XIII.
The Baron sails with Captain Phipps, attacks two large bears, and has a
very narrow escape - Gains the confidence of these animals, and then destroys
thousands of them; loads the ship with their hams and skins; makes presents of
the former, and obtains a general invitation to all city feasts - A dispute
between the Captain and the Baron, in which, from motives of politeness, the
Captain is suffered to gain his point - The Baron declines the honour of a
throne, and an empress into the bargain.
WE all remember Captain Phipps's (now Lord Mulgrave)
last voyage of discovery to the north. I accompanied the captain, not as an
officer, but a private friend. When we arrived in a high northern latitude I
was viewing the objects around me with the telescope which I introduced to your
notice in my Gibraltar adventures. I thought I saw two large white bears in
violent action upon a body of ice considerably above the masts, and about half
a league distance. I immediately took my carbine, slung it across my shoulder,
and ascended the ice. When I arrived at the top, the unevenness of the surface
made my approach to those animals troublesome and hazardous beyond expression:
sometimes hideous cavities opposed me, which I was obliged to spring over; in
other parts the surface was as smooth as a mirror, and I was continually
falling: as I approached near enough to reach them, I found they were only at
play. I immediately began to calculate the value of their skins, for they were
each as large as a well-fed ox: unfortunately, at the very instant I was
presenting my carbine my right foot slipped, I fell upon my back, and the
violence of the blow derived me totally of my senses for nearly half an hour;
however, when I recovered, judge of my surprise at finding one of those large
animals I have been just describing had turned me upon my face, and was
just laying hold of the waistband of my breeches, which were then new and made
of leather: he was certainly going to carry me feet foremost, God knows where,
when I took this knife (showing a large clasp knife) out of my side-pocket,
made a chop at one of his hind-feet, and cut off three of his toes; he
immediately let me drop and roared most horridly. I took up my carbine and
fired at him as he ran off; he fell directly. The noise of the piece roused
several thousands of these white bears, who were asleep upon the ice within
half a mile of me; they came immediately to the spot. There was no time to be
lost. A most fortunate thought arrived in my pericranium just at that instant.
I took off the skin and head of the dead bear in half the time that some people
would be in skinning a rabbit, and wrapped myself in it, placing my own head
directly under Bruin's; the whole herd came round me immediately, and my
apprehensions threw me into a most piteous situation to be sure: however, my
scheme turned out a most admirable one for my own safety. They all came smelling,
and evidently took me for a brother Bruin; I wanted nothing but bulk to make an
excellent counterfeit: however, I saw several cubs amongst them not much larger
than myself. After they had all smelt me, and the body of their deceased
companion, whose skin was now become my protector, we seemed very sociable, and
I found I could mimic all their actions tolerably well; but at growling,
roaring, and hugging they were quite my masters. I began now to think how I
might turn the general confidence which I had created amongst these animals to
my advantage.
I had heard an old army surgeon say a wound in the spine was instant death.
I now determined to try the experiment, and had again recourse to my knife,
with which I struck the largest in the back of the neck, near the shoulders,
but under great apprehensions, not doubting but the creature would, if he
survived the stab, tear me to pieces. However, I was remarkably fortunate, for
he fell dead at my feet without making the least noise. I was now resolved to
demolish them every one in the same manner, which I accomplished without the
least difficulty; for although they saw their companions fall, they had no
suspicion of either the cause or the effect. When they all lay dead before me,
I felt myself a second Samson, having slain my thousands.
To make short of the story, I went back to the ship, and borrowed three
parts of the crew to assist me in skinning them, and carrying the hams on board,
which we did in a few hours, and loaded the ship with them. As to the other
parts of the animals, they were thrown into the sea, though I doubt not but the
whole would eat as well as the legs, were they properly cured.
As soon as we returned I sent some of the hams, in the captain's name, to
the Lords of the Admiralty, others to the Lords of the Treasury, some to the
Lord Mayor and Corporation of London, a few to each of the trading companies,
and the remainder to my particular friends, from all of whom I received warm
thanks; but from the city I was honoured with substantial notice, viz., an
invitation to dine at Guildhall annually on Lord Mayor's day.
The bear-skins I sent to the Empress of Russia, to clothe her majesty and
her court in the winter, for which she wrote me a letter of thanks with her own
hand and sent it by an ambassador extraordinary, inviting me to share the
honours of her bed and crown; but as I never was ambitious of royal dignity,
I declined her majesty's favour in the politest terms. The same ambassador had
orders to wait and bring my answer to her majesty personally, upon which
business he was absent about three months: her majesty's reply convinced me of
the strength of her affections, and the dignity of her mind; her late
indisposition was entirely owing (as she, kind creature! was pleased to express
herself in a late conversation with the Prince Dolgoroucki) to my cruelty. What
the sex see in me I cannot conceive, but the Empress is not the only female
sovereign who has offered me her hand.
Some people have very illiberally reported that Captain Phipps did not
proceed as far as he might have done upon that expedition. Here it becomes my
duty to acquit him; our ship was in a very proper trim till I loaded it with
such an immense quantity of bear-skins and ham, after which it would have been
madness to have attempted to proceed further, as we were now scarcely able to
combat a brisk gale, much less those mountains of ice which lay in the higher latitudes.
The captain has since often expressed a dissatisfaction that he had no share
in the honours of that day, which he emphatically called bearskin day.
He has also been very desirous of knowing by what art I destroyed so many
thousands, without fatigue or danger to myself; indeed, he is so ambitious of
dividing the glory with me, that we have actually quarrelled about it, and we
are not now upon speaking terms. He boldly asserts I had no merit in deceiving
the bears, because I was covered with one of their skins; nay, he declares
there is not, in his opinion, in Europe, so complete a bear naturally as himself
among the human species. He is now a noble peer, and I am too well acquainted
with good manners to dispute so delicate a point with his lordship.
CHAPTER XIV.
Our Baron excels Baron Tott beyond all comparison, yet fails in part of
his attempt - Gets into disgrace with the Grand Seignior, who orders his head
to be cut off - Escapes, and gets on board a vessel, in which he is carried to
Venice - Baron Tott's origin, with some account of that great man's parents -
Pope Ganganelli's amour - His Holiness fond of shell-fish.
BARON DE TOTT, in his Memoirs, makes as great a parade
of a single act as many travellers whose whole lives have been spent in seeing
the different parts of the globe; for my part, if I had been blown from Europe
to Asia from the mouth of a cannon, I should have boasted less of it afterwards
then he has done of only firing off a Turkish piece of ordnance. What he says
of this wonderful gun, as near as my memory will serve me, is this : "The Turks
had placed below the castle, and near the city, on the banks of Simois, a
celebrated river, an enormous piece of ordnance cast in brass, which would
carry a marble ball of eleven hundred pounds weight. I was inclined," says Tott,
"to fire it, but I was willing first to judge of its effect; the crowd about me
trembled at this proposal, as they asserted it would overthrow not only the
castle, but the city also; at length their fears in part subsided, and I was
permitted to discharge it. It required not less than three hundred and thirty
pounds weight of powder, and the ball weighed, as before mentioned, eleven
hundredweight. When the engineer brought the priming, the crowds who were
about me retreated back as fast as they could; nay, it was with the utmost
difficulty I persuaded the Pacha, who came on purpose, there was no danger:
even the engineer who was to discharge it by my direction was considerably
alarmed. I took my stand on some stone-work behind the cannon, gave the signal,
and felt a shock like that of an earthquake! At the distance of three hundred
fathom the ball burst into three pieces; the fragments crossed the strait,
rebounded on the opposite mountain, and left the surface of the water all in a
foam through the whole breadth of the channel."
This, gentlemen, is, as near as I can recollect, Baron Tott's account of the
largest cannon in the known world. Now, when I was there not long since, the
anecdote of Tott's firing this tremendous piece was mentioned as a proof of that
gentleman's extraordinary courage.
I was determined not to be out-done by a Frenchman, therefore took this very
piece upon my shoulder, and, after balancing it properly, jumped into the sea
with it, and swam to the opposite shore, from whence I unfortunately attempted
to throw it back into its former place. I say unfortunately, for it slipped a
little in my hand just as I was about to discharge it, and in consequence of
that it fell into the middle of the channel, where it now lies, without a
prospect of ever recovering it: and notwithstanding the nigh favour I was in
with the Grand Seignior, as before mentioned, this cruel Turk, as soon as he
heard of the loss of his famous piece of ordnance, issued an order to cut off
my head. I was immediately informed of it by one of the Sultanas, with whom I
was become a great favourite, and she secreted me in her apartment while the
officer charged with my execution was, with his assistants, in search of me.
That very night I made my escape on board a vessel bound to Venice, which
was then weighing anchor to proceed on her voyage.
The last story, gentlemen, I am not fond of mentioning, as I miscarried in
the attempt, and was very near losing my life into the bargain: however, as it
contains no impeachment of my honour, I would not withhold it from you.
Now, gentlemen, you all know me, and can have no doubt of my veracity. I
will entertain you with the origin of this same swaggering, bouncing Tott.
His reputed father was a native of Berne, in Switzerland; his profession was
that of a surveyor of the streets, lanes, and alleys, vulgarly called a
scavenger. His mother was a native of the mountains of Savoy, and had a most
beautiful large wen on her neck, common to both sexes in that part of the
world; she left her parents when young, and sought her fortune in the same city
which gave his father birth; she maintained herself while single by acts of
kindness to our sex, for she never was known to refuse them any favour they
asked, provided they did but pay her some compliment before hand. This lovely
couple met by accident in the street, in consequence of their being both
intoxicated, for by reeling to one centre they threw each other down; this
created mutual abuse, in which they were complete adepts; they were both
carried to the watch-house, and afterwards to the house of correction;
they soon saw the folly of quarrelling, made it up, became fond of each other,
and married; but madam returning to her old tricks, his father, who had high
notions of honour, soon separated himself from her; she then joined a family
who strolled about with a puppet-show. In time she arrived at Rome where she
kept an oyster-stand. You have all heard, no doubt, of Pope Ganganelli,
commonly called Clement XIV.: he was remarkably fond of oysters. One Good
Friday, as he was passing through this famous city in state, to assist at high
mass at St. Peter's Church, he saw this woman's oysters (which were remarkably
fine and fresh) ; he could not proceed without tasting them. There were
about five thousand people in his train; he ordered them all to stop, and sent
word to the church he could not attend mass till next day; then alighting from
his horse (for the Pope always rides on horseback upon these occasions) he went
into her stall, and ate every oyster she had there, and afterwards retired
into the cellar where she had a few more. This subterraneous apartment was her
kitchen, parlour, and bedchamber. He liked his situation so much that he
discharged all his attendants, and to make short of the story, His Holiness
passed the whole night there! Before they parted he gave her absolution, not
only for every sin she had, but all she might hereafter commit.
Now, gentlemen, I have his mother's word for it (and her honour cannot be
doubted), that Baron Tott is the fruit of that amour. When Tott was born, his
mother applied to His Holiness, as the father of her child; he immediately
placed him under proper people, and as he grew up gave him a gentleman's
education, had him taught the use of arms, procured him promotion in France,
and a title, and when he died he left hum a good estate.
CHAPTER XV.
A further account of the Journey from, Harwich to Helvoetsluys -
Description of a number of marine objects never mentioned by any traveller
before - Rocks seen in this passage equal to the Alps in magnitude; lobsters,
crabs, &c., of an extraordinary magnitude - A woman's life saved - The
cause of her falling into the sea - Dr. Hawes' directions followed with
success.
I OMITTED several very material parts in my father's
journey across the English Channel to Holland, which, that they may not be
totally lost, I will now faithfully give you in his own words, as I heard
him relate them to his friends several times.
"On my arrival," says my father, "at Helvoetsluys, I was observed to breathe
with some difficulty; upon the inhabitants inquiring into the cause, I informed
them that the animal upon whose back I rode from Harwich across to their shore
did not swim! Such is their peculiar form and disposition, that they cannot
float or move upon the surface of the water; he ran with incredible swiftness
upon the sands from shore to shore, driving fish in millions before him, many
of which were quite different from any I had yet seen, carrying their heads at
the extremity of their tails. I crossed," continued he, "one prodigious range
of rocks, equal in height to the Alps (the tops or highest, part of these
marine mountains are said to be upwards of one hundred fathoms below the
surface of the sea, on the sides of which there was a great variety of tall,
noble trees, loaded with marine fruit, such as lobsters, crabs, oysters, scollops,
mussels, cockles, &c. &c.; some of which were a cart-load singly! and
none less than a porter's! All those which are brought on shore and sold in our
markets are of an inferior dwarf kind, or, properly, waterfalls, i.e., fruit
shook off the branches of the tree it grows upon by the motion of the water, as
those in our gardens are by that of the wind! The lobster-trees appeared the
richest, but the crab and oysters were the tallest. The periwinkle is a kind of
shrub; it grows at the foot of the oyster-tree, and twines round it as the ivy
does the oak. I observed the effect of several accidents by shipwreck, &c.,
particularly a ship that had been wrecked by striking against a mountain or
rock, the top of which lay within three fathoms of the surface. As she sunk she
fell upon her side, and forced a very large lobster-tree out of its place. It
was in the spring, when the lobsters were very young, and many of them being
separated by the violence of the shock, they fell upon a crab-tree which was
growing below them; they have, like the farina of plants, united, and produced
a fish resembling both. I endeavoured to bring one with me, but it was too
cumbersome, and my salt-water Pegasus seemed much displeased at every attempt
to stop his career whilst I continued upon his back; besides, I was then,
though galloping over a mountain of rocks that lay about midway the passage, at
least five hundred fathom below the surface of the sea, and began to find the
want of air inconvenient, therefore I had no inclination to prolong the time.
Add to this, my situation was in other respects very unpleasant; I met many
large fish, who were, if I could judge by their open mouths, not only able, but
really wished to devour us; now, as my Rosinante was blind, I had these hungry
gentlemen's attempts to guard against, in addition to my other difficulties.
"As we drew near the Dutch shore, and the body of water over our heads did
not exceed twenty fathoms, I thought I saw a human figure in a female dress
then lying on the sand before me with some signs of life; when I came close I
perceived her hand move: I took it into mine, and brought her on shore as a
corpse. An apothecary, who had just been instructed by Dr. Hawes (the Baron's
father must have lived very lately if Dr. Hawes was his preceptor), of London,
treated her properly, and she recovered. She was the rib of a man who commanded
a vessel belonging to Helvoetsluys. He was just going out of port on a voyage,
when she, hearing he had got a mistress with him, followed him in an open boat.
As soon as she had got on the quarter-deck she flew at her husband, and
attempted to strike him with such impetuosity, that he thought it most prudent
to slip on one side, and let her make the impression of her fingers upon the
waves rather than his face: he was not much out in his ideas of the
consequence; for meeting no opposition, she went directly overboard, and it was
my unfortunate lot to lay the foundation for bringing this happy pair together
again.
"I can easily conceive what execrations the husband loaded me with when, on
his return, he found this gentle creature waiting his arrival, and learned the
means by which she came into the world again. However, great as the injury is
which I have done this poor devil, I hope he will die in charity with me, as
my motive was good, though the consequences to him are, it must be confessed,
horrible."
CHAPTER XVI.
This is a very short chapter, but contains a fact for which the Baron's
memory ought to be dear to every Englishman, especially those who may hereafter
have the misfortune of being made prisoners of war.
ON my return from Gibraltar I travelled by way of
France to England. Being a foreigner, this was not attended with any
inconvenience to me. I found, in the harbour of Calais, a ship just arrived
with a number of English sailors as prisoners of war. I immediately conceived
an idea of giving these brave fellows their liberty, which I accomplished as
follows:- After forming a pair of large wings, each of them forty yards long,
and fourteen wide, and annexing there to myself, I mounted at break of day,
when every creature, even the watch upon deck, was fast asleep. As I hovered
over the ship I fastened three grappling irons to the tops of the three masts
with my sling, and fairly lifted her several yards out of the water, and then
proceeded across to Dover, where I arrived in half an hour! Having no further
occasion for these wings, I made them a present to the governor of Dover Castle,
where they are now exhibited to the curious.
As to the prisoners, and the Frenchmen who guarded them, they did not awake
till they had been near two hours on Dover Pier. The moment the English
understood their situation they changed places with their guard, and took back
what they had been plundered of, but no more, for they were too generous to
retaliate and plunder them in return.
CHAPTER XVII.
Voyage eastward - The Baron introduces a friend who never deceived him:
wins a hundred guineas by pinning his faith upon that friend's nose - Game
started at sea - Some other circumstances which will, it is hoped, afford the
reader no small degree of amusement.
IN a voyage which I made to the East Indies with
Captain Hamilton, I took a favourite pointer with me; he was, to use a common
phrase, worth his weight in gold, for he never deceived me. One day when we
were, by the best observations we could make, at least three hundred leagues
from land, my dog pointed; I observed him for near an hour with astonishment,
and mentioned the circumstance to the captain and every officer on board,
asserting that we must be near land, for my dog smelt game. This occasioned a
general laugh; but that did not alter in the least the good opinion I had of my
dog. After much conversation pro and con, I boldly told the captain I placed
more confidence in Tray's nose than I did in the eyes of every seaman on board,
and therefore proposed laying the sum I had agreed to pay for my passage (viz.,
one hundred guineas) that we should find game within half an hour. The captain
(a good, hearty fellow) laughed again, desired Mr. Crowford the surgeon, who
was prepared, to feel my pulse; he did so, and reported me in perfect health.
The following dialogue between them took place; I overheard it, though spoken
low, and at some distance.
Captain.- His brain is turned; I cannot with honour accept his wager.
Surgeon.- I am of a different opinion; he is quite sane, and depends
more upon the scent of his dog than he will upon the judgement of all the
officers on board; he will certainly lose, and he richly merits it
Captain.- Such a wager cannot be fair on my side; however, I'll take
him up, if I return his money afterwards.
During the above conversation Tray continued in the same situation, and
confirmed me still more in my former opinion. I proposed the wager a second
time, it was then accepted.
Done! and done! were scarcely said on both sides, when some sailors who were
fishing in the long-boat, which was made fast to the stern of the ship, harpooned
an exceeding large shark, which they brought on board and began to cut up for
the purpose of barrelling the oil, when, behold, they found no less than six
brace of live partridges in this animal's stomach!
They had been so long in that situation, that one of the hens was sitting
upon four eggs, and a fifth was hatching when the shark was opened!!! This
young bird we brought up by placing it with a litter of kittens that came into
the world a few minutes before! The old cat was as fond of it as of any of her
own four-legged progeny, and made herself very unhappy, when it flew out of her
reach, till it returned again. As to the other partridges, there were four hens
amongst them; one or more were, during the voyage, constantly sitting, and
consequently we had plenty of game at the captain's table; and in gratitude to
poor Tray (for being a means of winning one hundred guineas) I ordered him the
bones daily, and sometimes a whole bird.
CHAPTER XVIII.
A second visit (but an accidental one) to the moon - The ship driven by
a whirlwind a thousand leagues above the surface of the water, where a new
atmosphere meets them and carries them into a capacious harbour in the moon -
A description of the inhabitants, and their manner of coming into the lunarian
world - Animals, customs, weapons, of war, wine, vegetables, &c.
A SECOND TRIP TO THE MOON.
I HAVE already informed you of one trip I made to the
moon, in search of my silver hatchet; I afterwards made another in a much
pleasanter manner, and stayed in it long enough to take notice of several
things, which I will endeavour to describe as accurately as my memory will
permit.
I went on a voyage of discovery at the request of a distant relation, who
had a strange notion that there were people to be found equal in magnitude to
those described by Gulliver in the empire of BROBDIGNAG. For my
part I always treated that account a s fabulous: however, to oblige him, for he
had made me his heir, I undertook it, amid sailed for the South seas, where we
arrived without meeting with anything remarkable, except some flying men and
women who were playing at leap-frog, and dancing minuets in the air.
There is but one sex either of the cooking or any other animals in the moon;
they are all produced from trees of various sizes and foliage; that which
produces the cooking animal, or human species, is much more beautiful than
any of the others; it has large straight boughs and flesh-coloured leaves, and
the fruit it produces are nuts or pods, with hard shells at least two yards
long; when they become ripe, which is known from their changing colour, they
are gathered with great care, and laid by as long as they think proper:
when they choose to animate the seed of these nuts, they throw them into a
large cauldron of boiling water, which opens the shells in a few hours, and out
jumps the creature.
Nature forms their minds for different pursuits before they come into the
world; from one shell comes forth a warrior, from another a philosopher, from a
third a divine, from a fourth a lawyer, from a fifth a farmer, from a sixth a
clown, &c. &c., and each of them immediately begins to perfect
themselves, by practising what they before knew only in theory.
When they grow old they do not die, but turn into air, and dissolve like
smoke! As for their drink, they need none; the only evacuations they have are
insensible, and by their breath. They have but one finger upon each hand, with
which they perform everything in as perfect a manner as we do who have four
besides the thumb. Their heads are placed under their right arm, and when they
are going to travel, or about any violent exercise, they generally leave them
at home, for they can consult them at any distance; this is a very common
practice; and when those of rank or quality among the Lunarians have an
inclination to see what's going forward among the common people, they stay at
home, i.e., the body stays at home, and sends the head only, which is
suffered to be present incog., and return at pleasure with an account
of what has passed.
The stones of their grapes are exactly like hail; and I am perfectly
satisfied that when a storm or high wind in the moon shakes their vines, and
breaks the grapes from the stalks, the stones fall down and form our hail
showers. I would advise those who are of my opinion to save a quantity of these
stones when it hails next, and make Lunarian wine. It is common beverage at
St. Luke's. Some material circumstances I had nearly omitted. They put their
bellies to the same use as we do a sack, and throw whatever they have occasion
for into it, for they can shut and open it again when they please, as they do
their stomachs; they are not troubled with bowels, liver, heart, or any other
intestines, neither are they encumbered with clothes, nor is there any part of
their bodies unseemly or indecent to exhibit.
Their eyes they can take in and out of their places when they please, and
can see as well with them in their hand, as in their head! and if by any
accident they lose or damage one, they can borrow or purchase another, and see
as clearly with it as their own. Dealers in eyes are on that account very
numerous in most parts of the moon, and in this article alone all the
inhabitants are whimsical: sometimes green and sometimes yellow eyes are the
fashion. I know these things appear strange; but if the shadow of a doubt can
remain on any person's mind, I say, let him take a voyage there himself, and
then he will know I am a traveller of veracity.
CHAPTER XIX.
The Baron crosses the Thames without the assistance of a bridge, ship,
boat, balloon, or even his own will: rouses himself after a long nap, and
destroys a monster who lived upon the destruction of others.
MY first visit to England was about the beginning of
the present king's reign. I had occasion to go down to Wapping, to see some
goods shipped, which I was sending to some friends at Hamburgh ; after that
business was over, I took the Tower Wharf in my way back. Here I found the
sun very powerful, and I was so much fatigued that I stepped into one of the
cannon to compose me, where I fell fast asleep. This was about noon: it was
the fourth of June; exactly at one o'clock these cannon were all discharged in
memory of the day. They had been all charged that morning, and having no
suspicion of my situation, I was shot over the houses on the opposite side of
the river, into a farmer's yard, between Bermondsey and Deptford, where I fell
upon a large hay-stack, without waking, and continued there in a sound sleep
till hay became so extravagantly dear (which was about three months after),
that the farmer found it his interest to send his whole stock to market: the
stack I was reposing upon was the largest in the yard, containing above five
hundred load; they began to cut that first. I woke with the voices of the
people who had ascended the ladders to begin at the top, and got up, totally
ignorant of my situation: in attempting to run away I fell upon the farmer to
whom the hay belonged, and broke his neck, yet received no injury myself. l
afterwards found, to my great consolation, that this fellow was a most
detestable character always keeping the produce of his grounds for extravagant
markets.
CHAPTER XX.
The Baron slips through the world: after paying a visit to Mount Etna he
finds himself in the South Sea; visits Vulcan in his passage; gets on board a
Dutchman; arrives at an island of cheese, surrounded by a sea of milk;
describes some very extraordinary objects - Lose their compass; their ship
slips between the teeth of a fish unknown in this part of the world; their
difficulty in escaping frown thence, arrive in the Caspian Sea - Starves a
bear to death - A few waistcoat anecdotes - In this chapter, which is the
longest, the Baron moralizes upon the virtue of veracity.
MR. DRYBONES' Travels to Sicily which I had read with
great pleasure, induced me to pay a visit to Mount Etna; my voyage to this
place was not attended with any circumstances worth relating. One morning
early, three or four days after my arrival, I set out from a cottage where I
had slept, within six miles of the foot of the mountain, determined to explore
the internal parts, if I perished in the attempt. After three hours' hard
labour I found myself at the top; it was then, and had been for upwards of
three weeks, raging: its appearance in this state has been so frequently
noticed by different travellers, that I will not tire you with descriptions of
objects you are already acquainted with. I walked round the edge of the crater,
which appeared to be fifty times at least as capacious as the Devil's
Punch-Bowl near Petersfield, on the Portsmouth Road, but not so broad at the
bottom, as in that part it resembles the contracted part of a funnel more than
a punch-bowl. At last, having made up my mind, in I sprang feet foremost; I
soon found myself in a warm berth, and my body bruised and burnt in various
parts by the red-hot cinders, which, by their violent ascent, opposed my
descent: however, my weight soon brought me to the bottom, where I found myself
in the midst of noise and clamour, mixed with the most horrid imprecations;
after recovering my senses, and feeling a reduction of my pain, I began to look
about me. Guess, gentlemen, my astonishment, when I found myself in the company
of Vulcan and his Cyclops, who had been quarrelling, for the three weeks before
mentioned, about the observation of good order and due subordination, and which
had occasioned such alarms for that space of time in the world above. However,
my arrival restored peace to the whole society, and Vulcan himself did me the
honour of applying plasters to my wounds, which healed them immediately; he
also placed refreshments before me, particularly nectar, and other rich wines,
such as the gods and goddesses only aspire to. After this repast was over
Vulcan ordered Venus to show me every indulgence which my situation required.
To describe the apartment, and the couch on which I reposed, is totally
impossible, therefore I will not attempt it; let it suffice to say, it exceeds
the power of language to do it justice, or speak of that kind-hearted goddess
in any terms equal to her merit.
Vulcan gave me a very concise account of Mount Etna: he said it was nothing
more than an accumulation of ashes thrown from his forge; that he was
frequently obliged to chastise his people, at whom, in his passion he made it a
practice to throw red-hot coals at home, which they often parried with great
dexterity, and then threw them up into the world to place them out of his reach,
for they never attempted to assault him in return by throwing them back again.
"Our quarrels," added he, "last sometimes three or four months, and these
appearances of coals or cinders in the world are what I find you mortals call
eruptions." Mount Vesuvius, he assured me, was another of his shops, to which
he had a passage three hundred and fifty leagues under the bed of the sea,
where similar quarrels produced similar eruptions. I should have continued here
as an humble attendant upon Madam Venus, but some busy tattlers, who delight in
mischief, whispered a tale in Vulcan's ear, which roused in him a fit of
jealousy not to be appeased. Without the least previous notice he took me one
morning under his arm, as I was waiting upon Venus, agreeable to custom, and
carried me to an apartment I had never before seen, in which there was, to all
appearance, a well with a wide mouth: over this he held me at arm's length, and
saying, "Ungrateful mortal, return to the world from whence you came," without
giving me the least opportunity of reply, dropped me in the centre. I found
myself descending with an increasing rapidity, till the horror of my mind
deprived me of all reflection. I suppose I fell into a trance, from which I was
suddenly roused by plunging into a large body of water illuminated by the rays
of the sun!!
I could, from my infancy, swim well, and play tricks in the water. I now
found myself in paradise, considering the horrors of mind I had just been
released from. After looking about me some time, I could discover nothing but
an expanse of sea, extending beyond the eye in every direction; I also found it
very cold, a different climate from Master Vulcan's shop. At last I observed at
some distance a body of amazing magnitude, like a huge rock, approaching me; I
soon discovered it to be a piece of floating ice; I swam round it till I found
a place where I could ascend to the top, which I did, but not without some
difficulty. Still I was out of sight of land, and despair returned with double
force; however, before night came on I saw a sail, which we approached very
fast; when it was within a very small distance I hailed them in German; they
answered in Dutch. I then flung myself into the sea, and they threw out a rope,
by which I was taken on board. I now inquired where we were, and was informed,
in the great Southern Ocean; this opened a discovery which removed all my
doubts and difficulties. It was now evident that I had passed from Mount Etna
through the centre of the earth to the South Seas: this, gentlemen, was a much
shorter cut than going round the world, and which no man has accomplished, or
ever attempted, but myself: however, the next time I perform it I will be much
more particular in my observations.
I took some refreshment, and went to rest The Dutch are a very rude sort of
people; I related the Etna passage to the officers, exactly as I have done to
you, and some of them, particularly the Captain, seemed by his grimace and
half-sentence to doubt my veracity; however, as he had kindly taken me on board
his vessel, and was then in the very act of administering to my necessities, I
pocketed the affront.
I now in my turn began to inquire where they were bound? To which they
answered, they were in search of new discoveries; "and if," said they,
"your story is true, a new passage is really discovered, and we shall not
return disappointed." We were now exactly in Captain Cook's first track,
and arrived the next morning in Botany Bay. This place I would by no means
recommend to the English government as a receptacle for felons, or place of
punishment; it should rather be the reward of merit, nature having most
bountifully bestowed her best gifts upon it.
We stayed here but three days; the fourth after our departure a most
dreadful storm arose, which in a few hours destroyed all our sails, splintered
our bowsprit, and brought down our topmast; it fell directly upon the box that
enclosed our compass, which, with the compass, was broken to pieces. Every one
who has been at sea knows the consequences of such a misfortune: we now were at
a loss where to steer. At length the storm abated, which was followed by a
steady, brisk gale, that carried us at least forty knots an hour for six months!
[we should suppose the Baron has made a little mistake, and substituted months
for days] when we began to observe an amazing change in everything about
us: our spirits became light, our noses were regaled with the most aromatic
effluvia imaginable: the sea had also changed its complexion, and from green
became white!! Soon after these wonderful alterations we saw land, and not at
any great distance an inlet, which we sailed up near sixty leagues; and found
it wide and deep, flowing with milk of the most delicious taste. Here we
landed, and soon found it was an island consisting of one large cheese: we
discovered this by one of the company fainting away as soon as we landed: this
man always had an aversion to cheese; when he recovered, he desired the cheese
to be taken from under his feet: upon examination we found him perfectly right,
for the whole island, as before observed, was nothing but a cheese of immense
magnitude! Upon this the inhabitants, who are amazingly numerous, principally
sustain themselves, and it grows every night in proportion as it is consumed in
the day. Here seemed to be plenty of vines, with bunches of large grapes, which,
upon being pressed, yielded nothing but milk. We saw the inhabitants running
races upon the surface of the milk: they were upright, comely figures, nine
feet high, have three legs, and but one arm ; upon the whole, their form was
graceful, and when they quarrel, they exercise a straight horn, which grows in
adults from the centre of their foreheads, with great adroitness; they did not
sink at all, but ran and walked upon the surface of the milk, as we do upon a
bowling-green.
Upon this island of cheese grows great plenty of corn, the ears of which
produce loaves of bread, ready made, of a round form like mushrooms. We
discovered, in our rambles over this cheese, seventeen other rivers of milk,
and ten of wine.
After thirty-eight days' journey we arrived on the opposite side to that on
which we landed: here we found some blue mould, as cheeseeaters call it, from
whence spring all kinds of rich fruit; instead of breeding mites it produced
peaches, nectarines, apricots, and a thousand delicious fruits which we are not
acquainted with. In these trees, which are of an amazing size, were plenty of
birds' nests; amongst others was a kingfisher's of prodigious magnitude; it was
at least twice the circumference of the dome of St. Paul's Church in London.
Upon inspection, this nest was made of huge trees curiously joined together;
there were, let me see (for I make it a rule always to speak within compass), there were
upwards of five hundred eggs in this nest, and each of them was as large as four common hogsheads,
or eight barrels, and we could not only see, but hear the young ones chirping within. Having, with
great fatigue, cut open one of these eggs, we let out a young one unfeathered,
considerably larger than twenty full-grown vultures. Just as we had given this
youngster his liberty the old kingfisher lighted, and seizing our captain, who
had been active in breaking the egg, in one of her claws, flew with him above a
mile high, and then let him drop into the sea, but not till she had beaten all
his teeth out of his mouth with her wings.
Dutchmen generally swim well: he soon joined us, and we retreated to our
ship. On our return we took a different route, and observed many strange
objects. We shot two wild oxen, each with one horn, also like the inhabitants,
except that it sprouted from between the eyes of these animals; we were
afterwards concerned at having destroyed them, as we found, by inquiry, they
tamed these creatures, and used them as we do horses, to ride upon and draw
their carriages; their flesh, we were informed, is excellent, but useless where
people live upon cheese and milk. When we had reached within two days' journey
of the ship we observed three men hanging to a tall tree by their heels; upon
inquiring the cause of their punishment, I found they had all been travellers,
and upon their return home had deceived their friends by describing places
they never saw, and relating things that never happened: this gave me no
concern, as I have ever confined myself to facts.
As soon as we arrived at the ship we unmoored, and set sail from this
extraordinary country, when, to our astonishment, all the trees upon shore, of
which there were a great number very tall and large, paid their respects to us
twice, bowing to exact time, and immediately recovered their former posture,
which was quite erect.
By what we could learn of this CHEESE, it was considerably
larger than the continent of all Europe!
After sailing three months we knew not where, being still without compass,
we arrived in a sea which appeared to be almost black: upon tasting it we found
it most excellent wine, and had great difficulty to keep the sailors from
getting drunk with it: however, in a few hours we found ourselves surrounded by
whales and other animals of an immense magnitude, one of which appeared to be
too large for the eye to form a judgement of: we did not see him till we were
close to him. This monster drew our ship, with all her masts standing, and
sails bent, by suction into his mouth, between his teeth, which were much
larger and taller than the mast of a first-rate man-of-war. After we had been
in his mouth some time he opened it pretty wide, took in an immense quantity of
water, and floated our vessel, which was at least 500 tons burthen, into his
stomach; here we lay as quiet as at anchor in a dead calm. The air, to be sure,
was rather warm, and very offensive. We found anchors, cables, boats, and
barges in abundance, and a considerable number of ships, some laden and some
not, which this creature had swallowed. Everything was transacted by
torch-light; no sun, no moon, no planet, to make observations from. We were all
generally afloat and aground twice a-day; whenever he drank, it became high
water with us; and when he evacuated, we found ourselves aground; upon a
moderate computation, he took in more water at a single draught than is
generally to be found in the Lake of Geneva, though that is above thirty miles
in circumference. On the second day of our confinement in these regions of
darkness, I ventured at low water, as we called it when the ship was aground,
to ramble with the Captain, and a few of the other officers, with lights in our
hands; we met with people of all nations, to the amount of upwards of ten
thousand; they were going to hold a council how to recover their liberty; some
of them having lived in this animal's stomach several years; there were several
children here who had never seen the world, their mothers having lain in
repeatedly in this warm situation. Just as the chairman was going to inform us
of the business upon which we were assembled, this plaguy fish, becoming
thirsty, drank in his usual manner; the water poured in with such impetuosity,
that we were all obliged to retreat to our respective ships immediately, or run
the risk of being drowned; some were obliged to swim for it, and with difficulty
saved their lives. In a few hours after we were more fortunate, we met again
just after the monster had evacuated. I was chosen chairman, and the first
thing I did was to propose splicing two main-masts together, and the next time
he opened his mouth to be ready to wedge them in, so as to prevent his shutting
it. It was unanimously approved. One hundred stout men were chosen upon this
service. We had scarcely got our masts properly prepared when an opportunity
offered; the monster opened his mouth, immediately the top of the mast was
placed against the roof, and the other end pierced his tongue, which
effectually prevented him from shutting his mouth. As soon as everything in his
stomach was afloat, we manned a few boats, who rowed themselves and us into the
world. The daylight, after, as near as we could judge, three months' confinement
in total darkness, cheered our spirits surprisingly. When we had all taken our
leave of this capacious animal, we mustered just a fleet of ninety-five ships,
of all nations, who had been in this confined situation.
We left the two masts in his mouth, to prevent others being confined in the
same horrid gulph of darkness and filth. Our first object was to learn what
part of the world we were in; this we were for some time at a loss to ascertain:
at last I found, from former observations, that we were in the Caspian Sea!
which washes part of the country of the Calmuck Tartars. How we came here it
was impossible to conceive, as this sea has no communication with any other.
One of the inhabitants of the Cheese Island, whom I had brought with me,
accounted for it thus:- that the monster in whose stomach we had been so long
confined had carried us here through some subterraneaus passage; however, we
pushed to shore, and I was the first who landed. Just as I put my foot upon
the ground a large bear leaped upon me with his fore-paws; I caught one in each
hand, and squeezed him till he cried out most lustily; however, in this
position I held him till I starved him to death. You may laugh, gentlemen, but
this was soon accomplished, as I prevented him licking his paws. From hence I
travelled up to St. Petersburgh a second time: here an old friend gave me a
most excellent pointer, descended from the famous bitch before-mentioned, that
littered while she was hunting a hare. I had the misfortune to have him shot
soon after by a blundering sportsman, who fired at him instead of a covey of
partridges which he had just set. Of this creature's skin I have had this
waistcoat made (showing his waistcoat), which always leads me involuntarily to
game if I walk in the fields in the proper season, and when I come within
shot, one of the buttons constantly flies off; and lodges upon the spot where
the sport is; and as the birds rise, being always primed and cocked, I
never miss them. Here are now but three buttons left. I shall have a new set
sewed on against the shooting season commences.
When a covey of partridges is disturbed in this manner, by the button
falling amongst them, they always rise from the ground in a direct line before
each other. I one day, by forgetting to take my ramrod out of my gun, shot it
straight through a leash, as regularly as if the cook had spitted them. I had
forgot to put in any shot, and the rod had been made so hot with the powder,
that the birds were completely roasted by the time I reached home.
Since my arrival in England I have accomplished what I had very much at
heart, viz., providing for the inhabitant of the Cheese Island, whom I had
brought with me. My old friend, Sir William Chambers, who is entirely indebted
to me for all his ideas of Chinese gardening, by a description of which he has
gained such high reputation; I say, gentlemen, in a discourse which I had with
this gentleman, he seemed much distressed for a contrivance to light the lamps
at the new buildings, Somerset House; the common mode with ladders, he observed,
was both dirty and inconvenient. My native of the Cheese Island popped into
my head; he was only nine feet high when I first brought him from his own
country, but was now increased to ten and a half: I introduced him to Sir
William, and he is appointed to that honourable office. He is also to carry,
under a large cloak, a utensil in each coat pocket, instead of those four which
Sir William has very properly fixed for private purposes in so conspicuous a
situation, the great quadrangle.
He has also obtained from Mr. PITT the situation of messenger
to his Majesty's lords of the bed-chamber, whose principal employment will now
be, divulging the secrets of the Royal household to their worthy Patron.
SUPPLEMENT.
Extraordinary flight on the back of an eagle, over France to Gibraltar,
South and North America, the Polar Regions, and back to England, within
six-and-thirty hours.
ABOUT the beginning of his present Majesty's reign I
had some business with a distant relation who then lived on the Isle of Thanet;
it was a family dispute, and not likely to be finished soon. I made it a practice
during my residence there, the weather being fine, to walk out every morning.
After a few of these excursions I observed an object upon a great eminence
about three miles distant: I extended my walk to it, and found the ruins of an
ancient temple: I approached it with admiration and astonishment; the traces of
grandeur and magnificence which yet remained were evident proofs of its former
splendour: here I could not help lamenting the ravages and devastations of time,
of which that once noble structure exhibited such a melancholy proof. I walked
round it several times, meditating on the fleeting and transitory nature of all
terrestrial things; on the eastern end were the remains of a lofty tower, near
forty feet high, overgrown with ivy, the top apparently flat; I surveyed it
on every side very minutely, thinking that if I could gain its summit I should
enjoy the most delightful prospect of the circumjacent country. Animated with
this hope, I resolved, if possible, to gain the summit, which I at length
effected by means of the ivy, though not without great difficulty and danger;
the top I found covered with this evergreen, except a large chasm in the middle.
After I had surveyed with pleasing wonder the beauties of art and nature that
conspired to enrich the scene, curiosity prompted me to sound the opening in
the middle, in order to ascertain its depth, as I entertained a suspicion that
it might probably communicate with some unexplored subterranean cavern in the
hill; but having no line I was at a loss how to proceed. After revolving the
matter in my thoughts for some time, I resolved to drop a stone down and listen
to the echo: having found one that answered my purpose I placed myself over the
hole, with one foot on each side, and stooping down to listen, I dropped the
stone, which I had no sooner done than I heard a rustling below, and suddenly a
monstrous eagle put up its head right opposite my face, and rising up with
Whilst I was contemplating this wonderful prospect a dreadful howling
suddenly began all around me, and in a moment I was invested by thousands of
small black, deformed, frightful looking creatures, who pressed me on all sides
in such a manner that I could neither move hand or foot: but I had not been in
their possession more than ten minutes when I heard the most delightful music
that can possibly be imagined, which was suddenly changed into a noise the most
awful and tremendous, to which the report of cannon, or the loudest claps of
thunder could bear no more proportion than the gentle zephyrs of the evening to
the most dreadful hurricane; but the shortness of its duration prevented all
those fatal effects which a prolongation of it would certainly have been
attended with.
The music commenced, and I saw a great number of the most beautiful little
creatures seize the other party, and throw them with great violence into
something like a snuff-box, which they shut down, and one threw it away with
incredible velocity; then turning to me, he said they whom he had secured were
a party of devils, who had wandered from their proper habitation; and that the
vehicle in which they were enclosed would fly with unabating rapidity for ten
thousand years, when it would burst of its own accord, and the devils would
recover their liberty and faculties, as at the present moment. He had no sooner
finished this relation than the music ceased, and they all disappeared, leaving
me in a state of mind bordering on the confines of despair.
When I had recomposed myself a little, and looking before me with
inexpressible pleasure, I observed that the eagles were preparing to light on
the peak of Teneriffe: they descended on the top of a rock, but seeing no
possible means of escape if I dismounted determined me to remain where I was.
The eagles sat down seemingly fatigued, when the heat of the sun soon caused
them both to fall asleep, nor did I long resist its fascinating power. In the
cool of the evening, when the sun had retired below the horizon, I was roused
from sleep by the eagle moving under me; and having stretched myself along its
back, I sat up, and reassumed my travelling position, when they both took wing,
and having placed themselves as before, directed their course to South America.
The moon shining bright during the whole night, I had a fine view of all the
islands in those seas.
About the break of day we reached the great continent of America, that part
called Terra Firma, and descended on the top of a very high mountain. At this
time the moon, far distant in the west, and obscured by dark clouds, but just
afforded light sufficient for me to discover a kind of shrubbery all around,
bearing fruit something like cabbages, which the eagles began to feed on very
eagerly. I endeavoured to discover my situation, but fogs and passing clouds
involved me in the thickest darkness, and what rendered the scene still more
shocking was the tremendous howling of wild beasts some of which appeared to be
very near: however, I determined to keep my seat, imagining that the eagle
would carry me away if any of them should make a hostile attempt. When,
daylight began to appear I thought of examining the fruit which I had seen the
eagles eat, and as some was hanging which I could easily come at, I
took out my knife and cut a slice; but how great was my surprise to see that it
had all the appearance of roast beef regularly mixed, both fat and lean! I
tasted it, and found it well flavoured and delicious, then cut several large
slices and put in my pocket, where I found a crust of bread which I had brought
from Margate; took it out, and found three musket-balls that had been lodged in
it on Dover cliff. I extracted them, and cutting a few slices more, made a
hearty meal of bread and cold beef fruit. I then cut down two of the largest
that grew near me, and tying them together with one of my garters, hung them
over the eagle's neck for another occasion, filling my pockets at the same time.
While I was settling these affairs I observed a large fruit like an inflated
bladder, which I wished to try an experiment upon: and striking my knife into
one of them, a fine pure liquor like Hollands gin rushed out, which the eagles
observing, eagerly drank up from the ground. I cut down the bladder as fast as
I could, and saved about half a pint in the bottom of it, which I tasted, and
could not distinguish it from the best mountain wine. I drank it all, and found
myself greatly refreshed. By this time the eagles began to stagger against the
shrubs. I endeavoured to keep my seat, but was soon thrown to some distance
among the bushes. In attempting to rise I put my hand upon a large hedgehog,
which happened to lie among the grass upon its back: it instantly closed round
my hand, so that I found it impossible to shake it off. I struck it several
times against the ground without effect; but while I was thus employed I heard
a rustling among the shrubbery, and looking up, I saw a huge animal within
three yards of me; I could make no defence, but held out both my hands, when it
rushed upon me, and seized that on which the hedgehog was fixed. My hand being
soon relieved, I ran to some distance, where I saw the creature suddenly drop
down and expire with the hedgehog in its throat. When the danger was past I
went to view the eagles, and found them lying on the grass fast asleep, being
intoxicated with the liquor they had drank. Indeed, I found myself considerably
elevated by it, and seeing everything quiet, I began to search for some
more, which I soon found; and having cut down two large bladders, about a
gallon each, I tied them together, and hung them over the neck of the other
eagle, and the two smaller ones I tied with a cord round my own waist. Having
secured a good stock of provisions, and perceiving the eagles begin to recover,
I again took my seat. In half an hour they arose majestically from the place,
without taking the least notice of their incumbrance. Each reassumed its former
station; and directing their course to the northward, they crossed the Gulf of
Mexico, entered North America, and steered directly for the Polar regions,
which gave me the finest opportunity of viewing this vast continent that can
possibly be imagined.
Before we entered the frigid zone the cold began to affect me; but piercing
one of my bladders, I took a draught, and found that it could make no impression
on me afterwards. Passing over Hudson's Bay, I saw several of the Company's ships
lying at anchor, and many tribes of Indians marching with their furs to market.
By this time I was so reconciled to my seat; and become such an expert rider,
that I could sit up and look around me; but in general I lay along the eagle's
neck, grasping it in my arms, with my hands immersed in its feathers, in order
to keep them warm.
In these cold climates I observed that the eagles flew with greater rapidity,
in order, I suppose, to keep their blood in circulation. In passing Baffin's
Bay I saw several large Greenlandmen to the eastward, and many surprising
mountains of ice in those seas.
While I was surveying these wonders of nature it occurred to me that this
was a good opportunity to discover the north-west passage, if any such thing
existed, and not only obtain the reward offered by government, but the honour
of a discovery pregnant with so many advantages to every European nation.
But while my thoughts were absorbed in this pleasing reverie I was alarmed by
the first eagle striking its head against a solid transparent substance, and in
a moment that which I rode experienced the same fate, and both fell down
seemingly dead.
Here our lives must inevitably have terminated, had not a sense of danger,
and the singularity of my situation, inspired me with a degree of skill and
dexterity which enabled us to fall near two miles perpendicular with as little
inconveniency as if we had been let down with a rope: for no sooner did I
perceive the eagles strike against a frozen cloud, which is very common near
the poles, than (they being close together) I laid myself along the back of the
foremost, and took hold of its wings to keep them extended, at the same time
stretching out my legs behind to support the wings of the other. This had
the desired effect, and we descended very safe on a mountain of ice, which I
supposed to be about three miles above the level of the sea.
I dismounted, unloaded the eagles, opened one of the bladders, and
administered some of the liquor to each of them, without once considering that
the horrors of destruction seemed to have conspired against me. The roaring of
waves, crashing of ice, and the howling of bears, conspired to form a scene the
most awful and tremendous: but notwithstanding this, my concern for the recovery
of the eagle was so great, that I was insensible of the danger to which I was
exposed. Having rendered them every assistance in my power, I stood over them
in painful anxiety, fully sensible that it was only by means of them that I
could possibly be delivered from these abodes of despair.
But suddenly a monstrous bear began to roar behind me, with a voice like
thunder. I turned round, and seeing the creature just ready to devour me,
having the bladder of liquor in my hands, through fear I squeezed it so hard,
that it burst, and the liquor flying in the eyes of the animal, totally deprived
it of sight. It instantly turned from me, ran away in a state of distraction,
and soon fell over a precipice of ice into the sea, where I saw it no more.
The danger being over, I again turned my attention to the eagles, whom I
found in a fair way of recovery, and suspecting that they were faint for want
of victuals, I took one of the beef fruit, cut it into small slices, and
presented them with it, which they devoured with avidity.
Having given them plenty to eat and drink, and disposed of the remainder of
my provision, I took possession of my seat as before. After composing myself,
and adjusting everything in the best manner, I began to eat and drink very
heartily; and through the effects of the mountain, as I called it, was very
cheerful, and began to sing a few verses of a song which I had learned when I
was a boy: but the noise soon alarmed the eagles, who had been asleep, through
the quantity of liquor which they had drank, and they arose seemingly much
terrified. Happily for me, however, when I was feeding them I had accidentally
turned their heads towards the south-east, which course they pursued with a
rapid motion. In a few hours I saw the Western Isles, and soon after had the
inexpressible pleasure of seeing Old England. I took no notice of the seas or
islands over which I passed.
The eagles descended gradually as they drew near the shore, intending, as I
supposed, to alight on one of the Welsh mountains; but when they came to the
distance of about sixty yards two guns were fired at them, loaded with balls,
one of which took place in a bladder of liquor that hung to my waist ; the
other entered the breast of the foremost eagle, who fell to the ground, while
that which I rode, having received no injury, flew away with amazing swiftness.
This circumstance alarmed me exceedingly, and I began to think it was
impossible for me to escape with my life; but recovering a little, I once more
looked down upon the earth, when, to my inexpressible joy, I saw Margate at a
little distance, and the eagle descending on the old tower whence it had
carried me on the morning of the day before. It no sooner came down than I
threw myself off, happy to find that I was once more restored to the world.
The eagle flew away in a few minutes, and I sat down to compose my fluttering
spirits, which I did in a few hours.
I soon paid a visit to my friends, and related these adventures. Amazement
stood in every countenance; their congratulations on my returning in safety
were repeated with an unaffected degree of pleasure, and we passed the evening
as we are doing now, every person present paying the highest compliments to my
COURAGE and VERACITY.
PREFACE
BARON MUNCHAUSEN has certainly been productive of much
benefit to the literary world; the numbers of egregious travellers have been
such, that they demanded a very Gulliver to surpass them. If Baron de Tott
dauntlessly discharged an enormous piece of artillery, the Baron Munchausen has
done more; he has taken it and swam with it across the sea. When travellers are
solicitous to be the heroes of their own story, surely they must admit to
superiority, and blush at seeing themselves out-done by the renowned Munchausen:
I doubt whether any one hitherto, Pantagruel, Gargantua, Captain Lemuel, or De
Tott, has been able to out-do our Baron in this species of excellence: and as
at present our curiosity seems much directed to the interior of Africa, it must
be edifying to have the real relation of Munchausen's adventures there before
any further intelligence arrives; for he seems to adapt himself and his
exploits to the spirit of the times, and recounts what he thinks should be most
interesting to his auditors.
I do not say that the Baron, in the following stories, means a satire on any
political matters whatever. No; but if the reader understands them so, I cannot
help it.
If the Baron meets with a parcel of negro ships carrying whites into slavery
to work upon their plantations in a cold climate, should we therefore imagine
that he intends a reflection on the present traffic in human flesh? And that,
if the negroes should do so, it would be simple justice, as retaliation is the
law of God! If we were to think this a reflection on any present commercial or
political matter, we should be tempted to imagine, perhaps, some political
ideas conveyed in every page, in every sentence of the whole. Whether such
things are or are not the intentions of the Baron the reader must judge.
We have had not only wonderful travellers in this vile world, but splenetic
travellers, and of these not a few, and also conspicuous enough. It is a pity,
therefore, that the Baron has not endeavoured to surpass them also in this
species of story-telling. Who is it can read the travels of Smellfungus, as
Sterne calls him, without admiration? To think that a person from the North of
Scotland should travel through some of the finest countries in Europe, and find
fault with everything he meets - nothing to please him! And therefore, methinks,
the Tour to the Hebrides is more excusable, and also perhaps Mr. Twiss's Tour in
Ireland. Dr. Johnson, bred in the luxuriance of London, with more reason should
become cross and splenetic in the bleak and dreary regions of the Hebrides.
The Baron, in the following work, seems to be sometimes philosophical; his
account of the language of the interior of Africa, and its analogy with that of
the inhabitants of the moon, show him to be profoundly versed in the
etymological antiquities of nations, and throw new light upon the abstruse
history of the ancient Scythians, and the Collectanea.
His endeavour to abolish the custom of eating live flesh in the interior of
Africa, as described in Bruce's Travels, is truly humane. But far be it from me
to suppose, that by Gog and Magog and the Lord Mayor's show he means a satire
upon any person or body of persons whatever: or, by a tedious litigated trial
of blind judges and dumb matrons following a wild goose chase all round the
world, he should glance at any trial whatever.
Nevertheless, I must allow that it was extremely presumptuous in Munchausen
to tell half the sovereigns of the world that they were wrong, and advise them
what they ought to do; and that instead of ordering millions of their subjects
to massacre one another, it would be more to their interest to employ their
forces in concert for the general good; as if he knew better than the Empress
of Russia, the Grand Vizier, Prince Potemkin, or any other butcher in the world.
But that he should be a royal Aristocrat, and take the part of the injured
Queen of France in the present political drama, I am not at all surprised; but
I suppose his mind was fired by reading the pamphlet written by Mr. Burke.
THE SECOND VOLUME CHAPTER XXI.
The Baron insists on the veracity of his former Memoirs - Forms a design
of making discoveries in the interior parts of Africa - His discourse with
Hilaro Frosticos about it - His conversation with Lady Fragrantia - The Baron
goes, with other persons of distinction, to Court; relates an anecdote of the
Marquis de Bellecourt.
ALL that I have related before, said the Baron, is
gospel; and if there be any one so hardy as to deny it, I am ready to fight him
with any weapon he pleases. Yes, cried he, in a more elevated tone, as he
started from his seat, I will condemn him to swallow this decanter, glass and
all perhaps, and filled with kerren-wasser [a kind of ardent spirit distilled
from cherries, and much used in some parts of Germany.] Therefore, my dear
friends and companions, have confidence in what I say, and pay honour to the
tales of Munchausen. A traveller has a right to relate and embellish his
adventures as he pleases, and it is very unpolite to refuse that deference and
applause they deserve.
Having passed some time in England since the completion of my former memoirs,
I at length began to revolve in my mind what a prodigious field of discovery
must be in the interior part of Africa. I could not sleep with the thoughts of
it; I therefore determined to gain every proper assistance from Government to
penetrate the celebrated source of the Nile and assume the viceroyship of the
interior kingdoms of Africa, or, at least, the great realm of Monomotapa. It
was happy for me that I had one most powerful friend at court, whom I shall
call the illustrious Hilaro Frosticos. You perchance know him not by that name;
but we had a language among ourselves, as well we may, for in the course of my
peregrinations I have acquired precisely nine hundred and ninety-nine leash of
languages. What! gentlemen, do you stare? Well, I allow there are not so many
languages spoken in this vile world; but then, have I not been in the moon? and
trust me, whenever I write a treatise upon education, I shall delineate methods
of inculcating whole dozens of languages at once, French, Spanish, Greek,
Hebrew, Cherokee, &c. in such a style as will shame all the pedagogues
existing.
Having passed a whole night without being able to sleep for the vivid
imagination of African discoveries, I hastened to the levee of my illustrious
friend Hilaro Frosticos, and having mentioned my intention with all the vigour
of fancy, he gravely considered my words, and after some awful meditations thus
he spoke: Olough, ma genesat, istum fullanah, cum dera kargos belgarasah
eseum balgo bartigos triangulissimus! However, added he, it be hoveth thee
to consider and ponder well upon the perils and the multitudinous dangers in
the way of that wight who thus advanceth in all the perambulation of adventures:
and verily, most valiant sire and Baron, I hope thou wilt demean thyself with
all that laudable gravity and precaution which, as is related in the three
hundred and forty-seventh chapter of the Prophilactics, is of more consideration
than all the merit in this terraqueous globe. Yes, most truly do I advise thee
unto thy good, and speak unto thee, most valiant Munchausen, with the greatest
esteem, and wish thee to succeed in thy voyage; for it is said, that in the
interior realms of Africa there are tribes that can see but just three inches
and a half beyond the extremity of their noses; and verily thou shouldest
moderate thyself, even sure and slow; they stumble who walk fast. But we shall
bring you unto the Lady Fragrantia, and have her opinion of the matter. He then
took from his pocket a cap of dignity, such as described in the most honourable
and antique heraldry, and placing it upon my head, addressed me thus:- "As thou
seemest again to revive the spirit of ancient adventure, permit me to place
upon thy head this favour, as a mark of the esteem in which I hold thy valorous
disposition."
The Lady Fragrantia, my dear friends, was one of the most divine creatures
in all Great Britain, and was desperately in love with me. She was drawing my
portrait upon a piece of white satin, when the most noble Hilaro Frosticos
advanced. He pointed to the cap of dignity which he had placed upon my head.
"I do declare, Hilaro," said the lovely Fragrantia, "'tis pretty, 'tis
interesting; I love you, and I like you, my dear Baron," said she, putting on
another plume: "this gives it an air more delicate and more fantastical. I do
thus, my dear Munchausen, as your friend, yet you can reject or accept my
present just as you please; but I like the fancy, 'tis a good one, and I mean
to improve it: and against whatever enemies you go, I shall have the sweet
satisfaction to remember you bear my favour on your head!"
I snatched it with trepidation, and gracefully dropping on my knees, I three
times kissed it with all the rapture of romantic love. "I swear,' cried I, "by
thy bright eyes, and by the lovely whiteness of thine arm, that no savage,
tyrant, or enemy upon the face of the earth shall despoil me of this favour,
while one drop of the blood of the Munchausens doth circulate in my veins! I
will bear it triumphant through the realms of Africa, whither I now intend my
course, and make it respected, even in the court of Prester John."
"I admire your spirit," replied she, "and shall use my utmost interest at
court to have you dispatched with every pomp, and as soon as possible, but here
comes a most brilliant company indeed, Lady Carolina Wilhelmina Amelia Skeggs,
Lord Spigot, and Lady Faucet, and the Countess of Belleair."
After the ceremonies of introduction to this company were over, we proceeded
to consult upon the business; and as the cause met with general applause, it
was immediately determined that I should proceed without delay, as soon as I
obtained the sovereign approbation. "I am convinced," said Lord Spigot, "that
if there be any thing really unknown and worthy of our most ardent curiosity,
it must be in the immense regions of Africa; that country, which seems to be
the oldest on the globe, and yet with the greater part of which we are almost
utterly unacquainted; what prodigious wealth of gold and diamonds must not lie
concealed in those torrid regions, when the very rivers on the coast pour forth
continual specimens of golden sand ! 'Tis my opinion, therefore, that the Baron
deserves the applause of all Europe for his spirit, and merits the most powerful
assistance of the sovereign."
So flattering an approbation, you may be sure, was delightful to my heart,
and with every confidence and joy I suffered them to take me to court that
instant. After the usual ceremonies of introduction, suffice it to say that I
met with every honour and applause that my most sanguine expectations could
demand. I had always a taste for the fashionable je ne sais quoi of the
most elegant society, and in the presence of all the sovereigns of Europe I
ever found myself quite at home, and experienced from the whole court the most
flattering esteem and admiration. I remember, one particular day, the fate of
the unfortunate Marquis de Bellecourt. The Countess of Rassinda, who accompanied
him, looked most divinely. "Yes, I am confident," said the Marquis de Bellecourt
to me, "that I have acted according to the strictest sentiments of justice and
of loyalty to my sovereign. What stronger breast-plate than a heart untainted?
and though I did not receive a word nor a look, yet I cannot think - no, it
were impossible to be misrepresented. Conscious of my own integrity, I will try
again - I will go boldly up." The Marquis de Bellecourt saw the opportunity; he
advanced three paces, put his hand upon his breast and bowed. "Permit me," said
he, "with the most profound respect, to ----" His tongue faltered - he could
scarcely believe his sight, for at that moment the whole company were moving
out of the room. He found himself almost alone, deserted by every one. "What!"
said he, "and did he turn upon his heel with the most marked contempt? Would he
not speak to me? Would he not even hear me utter a word in my defence?" His
heart died within him - not even a look, a smile from any one. "My friends! Do
they not know me? Do they not see me ? Alas! they fear to catch the contagion
of my ----. Then," said he, "adieu !- 'tis more than I can bear. I shall go to
my country seat, and never, never will return. Adieu, fond court, adieu !-"
The venerable Marquis de Bellecourt stopped for a moment ere he entered his
carriage. Thrice he looked back, and thrice he wiped the starting tear from his
eye. "Yes," said he, "for once, at least, truth shall be found - in the bottom
of a well!"
Peace to thy ghost, most noble marquis! a King of kings shall pity thee; and
thousands who are yet unborn shall owe their happiness to thee, and have cause
to bless the thousands, perhaps, that shall never even know thy name; but
Munchausen's self shall celebrate thy glory!
CHAPTER XXII.
Preparations for the Baron's expedition into Africa - Description of his
chariot; the beauties of its interior decorations; the animals that drew it,
and the mechanism of the wheels.
EVERYTHING being concluded, and having received my
instructions for the voyage, I was conducted by the illustrious Hilaro
Frosticos, the Lady Fragrantia, and a prodigious crowd of nobility and placed
sitting upon the summit of the whale's bones at the palace ; and having
remained in this situation for three days and three nights, as a trial ordeal,
and a specimen of my perseverance and resolution, the third hour after midnight
they seated me in the chariot of Queen Mab. It was of a prodigious dimension,
large enough to contain more stowage than the tun of Heidelberg, and globular
like a hazel-nut: in fact, it seemed to be really a hazel-nut grown to a most
extravagant dimension, and that a great worm of proportionable enormity had
bored a hole in the shell. Through this same entrance I was ushered. It was as
large as a coach-door, and I took my seat in the centre, a kind of chair
self-balanced without touching anything, like the fancied tomb of Mahomet. The
whole interior surface of the nutshell appeared a luminous representation of
all the stars of heaven, the fixed stars, the planets, and a comet. The stars
were as large as those worn by our first nobility, and the comet, excessively
brilliant, seemed as if you had assembled all the eyes of the beautiful girls
in the kingdom, and combined them, like a peacock's plumage, into the form of a
comet - that is, a globe, and a bearded tail to it, diminishing gradually to a
point. This beautiful constellation seemed very sportive and delightful. It was
much in the form of a tadpole! and, without ceasing, went, full of playful
giddiness, up and down, all over the heaven on the concave surface of the
nutshell. One time it would be at that part of the heavens under my feet, and
in the next minute would be over my head. It was never at rest, but for ever
going east, west, north, or south, and paid no more respect to the different
worlds than if they were so many lanterns without reflectors. Some of them he
would dash against and push out of their places; others he would burn up and
consume to ashes: and others again he would split into fritters, and their
fragments would instantly take a globular form, like spilled quicksilver, and
become satellites to whatever other worlds they should happen to meet with in
their career. In short, the whole seemed an epitome of the creation, past,
present, and future; and all that passes among the stars during one thousand
years was here generally performed in as many seconds.
I surveyed all the beauties of the chariot with wonder and delight.
"Certainly," cried I, "this is heaven in miniature!" In short, I took the
reins in my hand. But before I proceed on my adventures, I shall mention the
rest of my attendant furniture. The chariot was drawn by a team of nine bulls
harnessed to it, three after three. In the first rank was a most tremendous
bull named John Mowmowsky; the rest were called jacks in general, but not
dignified by any particular denomination. They were all shod for the journey,
not indeed like horses, with iron, or as bullocks commonly are, to drag on a
cart; but were shod with men's skulls. Each of their feet was, hoof and
all, crammed into a man's head, cut off for the purpose, and fastened therein
with a kind of cement or paste, so that the skull seemed to be a part of the
foot and hoof of the animal. With these skull-shoes the creatures could perform
astonishing journeys, and slide upon the water, or upon the ocean, with great
velocity. The harnesses were fastened with golden buckles, and decked with
studs in a superb style, and the creatures were ridden by nine postilions,
crickets of a great size, as large as monkeys, who sat squat upon the heads of
the bulls, and were continually chirping at a most infernal rate, loud in
proportion to their bodies.
The wheels of the chariot consisted of upwards of ten thousand springs,
formed so as to give the greater impetuosity to the vehicle, and were more
complex than a dozen clocks like that of Strasburgh. The external of the
chariot was adorned with banners, and a superb festoon of laurel that formerly
shaded me on horseback. And now, having given you a very concise description of
my machine for travelling into Africa, which you must allow to be far superior
to the apparatus of Monsieur Vaillant, I shall proceed to relate the exploits
of my voyage.
CHAPTER XXIII.
The Baron proceeds on his voyage - Convoys a squadron to Gibraltar -
Declines the acceptance of the island of Candia - His chariot damaged by
Pompey's Pillar and Cleopatra's needle - The Baron out-does Alexander - Breaks
his chariot, and splits a great rock at the Cape of Good Hope.
TAKING the reins in my hand, while the music gave a
general salute, I cracked my whip, away they went, and in three hours I found
myself just between the Isle of Wight and the main land of England. Here I
remained four days, until I had received part of my accompaniment, which I was
ordered to take under my convoy. 'Twas a squadron of men-of-war that had been a
long time prepared for the Baltic, but which were now destined for the
Mediterranean. By the assistance of large hooks and eyes, exactly such as are
worn in our hats, but of a greater size, some hundredweight each, the
men-of-war hooked themselves on to the wheels of the vehicle: and, in fact,
nothing could be more simple or convenient, because they could be hooked or
unhooked in an instant with the utmost facility. In short, having given a
general discharge of their artillery, and three cheers, I cracked my whip,
away we went, helter skelter, and in six jiffies I found myself and all my
retinue safe and in good spirits just at the rock of Gibraltar. Here I
unhooked my squadron, and having taken an affectionate leave of the officers,
I suffered them to proceed in their ordinary manner to the place of their
destination. The whole garrison were highly delighted with the novelty of my
vehicle; and at the pressing solicitations of the governor and officers I
went ashore, and took a view of that barren old rock, about which more powder,
has been fired away than would purchase twice as much fertile ground in any
part of the world! Mounting my chariot, I took the reins, and again made
forward, in mad career, down the Mediterranean to the isle of Candia. Here I
received despatches from the Sublime Porte, entreating me to assist in
the war against Russia, with a reward of the whole island of Candia for my
alliance. At first I hesitated, thinking that the island of Candia would be a
most valuable acquisition to the sovereign who at that time employed me, and
that the most delicious wines, sugar, &c., in abundance would flourish on
the island; yet, when I considered the trade of the East India Company, which
would most probably suffer by the intercourse with Persia through the
Mediterranean, I at once rejected the proposal, and had afterwards the thanks
of the Honourable the House of Commons for my propriety and political
discernment.
Having been properly refreshed at Candia, I again proceeded, and in a short
time arrived in the land of Egypt. The land of this country, at least that part
of it near the sea, is very low, so that I came upon it ere I was aware, and
the pillar of Pompey got entangled in the various wheels of the machine, and
damaged the whole considerably. Still I drove on through thick and thin, till,
passing over that great obelisk, the Needle of Cleopatra, the work got
entangled again, and jolted at a miserable rate over the mud and swampy ground
of all that country; yet my poor bulls trotted on with astonishing labour
across the Isthmus of Suez into the Red Sea, and left a track, an obscure
channel, which has since been taken by De Tott for the remains of a canal cut
by some of the Ptolemies from the Red Sea to the Mediterranean; but, as you
perceive, was in reality no more than the track of my chariot, the car of Queen
Mab.
As the artists at present in that country are nothing wonderful, though the
ancient Egyptians, 'tis said, were most astonishing fellows, I could not
procure any new coach-springs, or have a possibility of setting my machine to
rights in the kingdom of Egypt; and as I could not presume to attempt another
journey overland, and the great mountains of marble beyond the source of the
Nile, I thought it most eligible to make the best way I could, by sea, to the
Cape of Good Hope, where I supposed I should get some Dutch smiths and
carpenters, or perhaps some English artists; and my vehicle being properly
repaired, it was my intention thence to proceed, overland, through the heart of
Africa. The surface of the water, I well knew, afforded less resistance to the
wheels of the machine - it passed along the waves like the chariot of Neptune;
and in short, having gotten upon the Red Sea, we scudded away to admiration
through the pass of Babelmandeb to the great Western coast of Africa, where
Alexander had not the courage to venture.
And really, my friends, if Alexander had ventured toward the Cape of Good
Hope he most probably would have never returned. It is difficult to determine
whether there were then any inhabitants in the more southern parts of Africa or
not; yet, at any rate, this conqueror of the world would have made but a
nonsensical adventure; his miserable ships, not contrived for a long voyage,
would have become leaky, and foundered, before he could have doubled the Cape,
and left his Majesty fairly beyond the limits of the then known world. Yet it
would have been an august exit for an Alexander, after having subdued Persia
and India, to be wandering the Lord knows where, to Jup or Ammon, perhaps, or
on a voyage to the moon as an Indian chief once said to Captain Cook.
But, for my part, I was far more successful than Alexander; I drove on with
the most amazing rapidity, and thinking to halt on shore at the Cape, I
unfortunately drove too close, and shattered the right side wheels of my
vehicle against the rock, now called the Table Mountain. The machine went
against it with such impetuosity as completely shivered the rock in a
horizontal direction; so that the summit of the mountain, in the form of a
semisphere, was knocked into the sea, and the steep mountain becoming thereby
flattened at the top, has since received the name of the Table Mountain, from
its similarity to that piece of furniture.
Just as this part of the mountain was knocked off, the ghost of the Cape,
that tremendous sprite which cuts such a figure in the Lusiad, was discovered
sitting squat in an excavation formed for him in the centre of the mountain.
He seemed just like a young bee in his little cell before he comes forth, or
like a bean in a bean-pod; and when the upper part of the mountain was split
across and knocked off, the superior half of his person was discovered. He
appeared of a bottle-blue colour, and started, dazzled with the unexpected
glare of the light hearing the dreadful rattle of the wheels, and the loud
chirping of the crickets, he was thunder-struck, and instantly giving a shriek,
sunk down ten thousand fathoms into the earth, while the mountain, vomiting out
some smoke, silently closed up, and left not a trace behind!
CHAPTER XXIV.
The Baron secures his chariot, &c., at the Cape and takes his passage
for England in a homeward-bound Indiaman - Wrecked upon an island of ice, near
the coast of Guinea - Escapes from the wreck, and rears a variety of vegetables
upon the island - Meets some vessels belonging to the negroes bringing white
slaves from Europe, in retaliation, to work upon their plantations in a cold
climate near the South Pole - Arrives in England, and lays an account of his
expedition before the Privy Council - Great preparations for a new expedition -
The Sphinx, Gog and Magog, and a great company attend him - The ideas of Hilaro
Frosticos respecting the interior parts of Africa.
I PERCEIVED with grief and consternation the miscarriage
of all my apparatus; yet I was not absolutely dejected: a great mind is never
known but in adversity. With permission of the Dutch governor the chariot was
properly laid up in a great storehouse, erected at the water's edge, and the
bulls received every refreshment possible after so terrible a voyage. Well, you
may be sure they deserved it, and therefore every attendance was engaged for
them, until I should return.
As it was not possible to do anything more I took my passage in a
homeward-bound Indiaman, to return to London, and lay the matter before the
Privy Council. We met with nothing particular until we arrived upon the coast
of Guinea, where, to our utter astonishment, we perceived a great hill,
seemingly of glass, advancing against us in the open sea; the rays of the sun
were reflected upon it with such splendour, that it was extremely difficult to
gaze at the phenomenon. I immediately knew it to be an island of ice, and though
in so very warm a latitude, determined to make all possible sail from such
horrible danger. We did so, but all in vain, for about eleven o'clock at night,
blowing a very hard gale, and exceedingly dark, we struck upon the island.
Nothing could equal the distraction, the shrieks, and despair of the whole
crew, until I, knowing there was not a moment to be lost, cheered up their
spirits, and bade them not despond, but do as I should request them. In a few
minutes the vessel was half full of water, and the enormous castle of ice that
seemed to hem us in on every side, in some places falling in hideous fragments
upon the deck, killed the one half of the crew; upon which, getting upon the
summit of the mast, I contrived to make it fast to a great promontory of the
ice, and calling to the remainder of the crew to follow me, we all escaped from
the wreck, and got upon the summit of the island.
The rising sun soon gave us a dreadful prospect of our situation, and the
loss, or rather icefication, of the vessel ; for being closed in on every side
with castles of ice during the night, she was absolutely frozen over and buried
in such a manner that we could behold her under our feet, even in the central
solidity of the island. Having debated what was best to be done, we immediately
cut down through the ice and got up some of the cables of the vessel, and the
boats, which, making fast to the island, we towed it with all our might,
determined to bring home island and all, or perish in the attempt. On the
summit of the island we placed what oakum and dregs of every kind of matter we
could get from the vessel, which, in the space of a very few hours, on account
of the liquefying of the ice, and the warmth of the sun, were transformed into
a very fine manure; and as I had some seeds of exotic vegetables in my pocket,
we shortly had a sufficiency of fruits and roots growing upon the island to
supply the whole crew, especially the bread-fruit tree, a few plants of which
had been in the vessel; and another tree, which bore plum-puddings so very hot,
and with such exquisite proportion of sugar, fruit, &c., that we all
acknowledged it was not possible to taste anything of the kind more delicious
in England: in short, though the scurvy had made such dreadful progress among
the crew before our striking upon the ice, the supply of vegetables, and
especially the bread-fruit and pudding-fruit, put an almost immediate stop to
the distemper.
We had not proceeded thus many weeks, advancing with incredible fatigue by
continual towing, when we fell in with a fleet of Negro-men, as they call them.
These wretches, I must inform you, my dear friends, had found means to make
prizes of those vessels from some Europeans upon the coast of Guinea, and
tasting the sweets of luxury, had formed colonies in several new discovered
islands near the south pole, where they had a variety of plantations of such
matters as would only grow in the coldest climates. As the black inhabitants of
Guinea were unsuited to the climate and excessive cold of the country, they
formed the diabolical project of getting Christian slaves to work for them. For
this purpose they sent vessels every year to the coast of Scotland, the northern
parts of Ireland and Wales, and were even sometimes seen off the coast of
Cornwall. And having purchased, or entrapped by fraud or violence, a great
number of men, women, and children, they proceeded with their cargoes of human
flesh to the other end of the world, and sold them to their planters, where
they were flogged into obedience, and made to work like horses all the rest
of their lives.
My blood ran cold at the idea, while every one on the island also expressed
his horror that such an iniquitous traffic should be suffered to exist. But,
except by open violence, it was found impossible to destroy the trade, on
account of a barbarous prejudice, entertained of late by the negroes, that the
white people have no souls! However, we were determined to attack them, and
steering down our island upon them, soon overwhelmed them: we saved as many of
the white people as possible, but pushed all the blacks into the water again.
The poor creatures we saved from slavery were so overjoyed, that they wept
aloud through gratitude, and we experienced every delightful sensation to think
what happiness we should shower upon their parents, their brothers and sisters
and children, by bringing them home safe, redeemed from slavery, to the bosom
of their native country.
Having happily arrived in England, I immediately laid a statement of my
voyage, &c., before the Privy Council, and entreated an immediate
assistance to travel into Africa, and, if possible, refit my former machine,
and take it along with the rest. Everything was instantly granted to my
satisfaction, and I received orders to get myself ready for departure as soon
as possible.
As the Emperor of China had sent a most curious animal as a present to
Europe, which was kept in the Tower, and it being of an enormous stature, and
capable of performing the voyage with éclat, she was ordered to
attend me. She was called Sphinx, and was one of the most tremendous though
magnificent figures I ever beheld. She was harnessed with superb trappings to a
large flat-bottomed boat, in which was placed an edifice of wood, exactly
resembling Westminster Hall. Two balloons were placed over it, tackled by a
number of ropes to the boat, to keep up a proper equilibrium, and prevent it
from overturning, or filling, from the prodigious weight of the fabric.
The interior of the edifice was decorates with seats, in the form of an
amphitheatre, and crammed as full as it could hold with ladies and lords, as a
council and retinue for your humble servant. Nearly in the centre was a seat
elegantly decorated for myself, and on either side of me were placed the famous
Gog and Magog in all their pomp.
The Lord Viscount Gosamer being our postilion, we floated gallantly down the
river, the noble Sphinx gambolling like the huge leviathan, and towing after
her the boat and balloons.
Thus we advanced, sailing gently, into the open sea; being calm weather, we
could scarcely feel the motion of the vehicle, and passed our time in grand
debate upon the glorious intention of our voyage, and the discoveries that
would result.
"I am of opinion," said my noble friend, Hilaro Frosticos, "that Africa was
originally inhabited for the greater part, or, I may say, subjugated by lions
which, next to man, seem to be the most dreaded of all mortal tyrants. The
country in general - at least, what we have been hitherto able to discover,
seems rather inimical to human life ; the intolerable dryness of the place,
the burning sands that overwhelm whole armies and cities in general ruin, and
the hideous life many roving hordes are compelled to lead, incline me to think,
that if ever we form any great settlements therein, it will become the grave of
our countrymen. Yet it is nearer to us than the East Indies, and I cannot but
imagine, that in many places every production of China, and of the East and
West Indies, would flourish, if properly attended to. And as the country is so
prodigiously extensive and unknown, what a source of discovery must not it
contain! In fact, we know less about the interior of Africa than we do of the
moon; for in this latter we measure the very prominences, and observe the
varieties and inequalities of the surface through our glasses,
"Forests and mountains on her spotted orb.
"But we see nothing in the interior of Africa, but what some compilers of maps
or geographers are fanciful enough to imagine. What a happy event, therefore,
should we not expect from a voyage of discovery and colonization undertaken in
so magnificent a style as the present! what a pride - what an acquisition to
philosophy!"
CHAPTER XXV.
Count Gosamer thrown by Sphinx into the snow on the top of Teneriffe -
Gog and Magog conduct Sphinx for the rest of the voyage - The Baron arrives at
the Cape, and unites his former chariot, &c., to his new retinue - Passes into
Africa, proceeding from the Cape northwards - Defeats a host of lions by a
curious stratagem - Travels through an immense desert - His whole company,
chariot, &c., overwhelmed by a whirlwind of sand - Extricates them, and
arrives in a fertile country.
THE brave Count Gosamer, with a pair of hell-fire spurs
on, riding upon Sphinx, directed the whole retinue towards the Madeiras. But
the Count had no small share of an amiable vanity, and perceiving great
multitudes of people, Gascons, &c., assembled upon the French coast, he
could not refrain from showing some singular capers, such as they had never
seen before : but especially when he observed all the members of the National
Assembly extend themselves along the shore, as a piece of French politeness, to
honour this expedition, with Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub at their head;
he set spurs to Sphinx, and at the same time cut and cracked away as hard as he
could, holding in the reins with all his might, striving to make the creature
plunge and show some uncommon diversion. But sulky and ill-tempered was Sphinx
at the time: she plunged indeed - such a devil of a plunge, that she dashed him
in one jerk over her head, and he fell precipitately into the water before her.
It was in the Bay of Biscay, all the world knows a very boisterous sea, and
Sphinx fearing he would be drowned, never turned to the left or the right out
of her way, but advancing furious, just stooped her head a little, and supped
the poor count off the water, into her mouth, together with the quantity of two
or three tuns of water, which she must have taken in along with him, but which
were, to such an enormous creature as Sphinx, nothing more than a spoonful
would be to any of you or me. She swallowed him, but when she had got him in
her stomach, his long spurs so scratched and tickled her, that they produced
the effect of an emetic. No sooner was he in, but out he was squirted with the
most horrible impetuosity, like a ball or a shell from the calibre of a mortar.
Sphinx was at this time quite sea-sick, and the unfortunate count was driven
forth like a skyrocket, and landed upon the peak of Teneriffe, plunged over
head and ears in the snow - requiescat in pace!
I perceived all this mischief from my seat in the ark, but was in such a
convulsion of laughter that I could not utter an intelligible word. And now
Sphinx, deprived of her postilion, went on in a zigzag direction, and gambolled
away after a most dreadful manner. And thus had everything gone to wreck, had I
not given instant orders to Gog and Magog to sally forth. They plunged into the
water, and swimming on each side, got at length right before the animal, and
then seized the reins. Thus they continued swimming on each side, like tritons,
holding the muzzle of Sphinx, while I, sallying forth astride upon the creature's
back, steered forward on our voyage to the Cape of Good Hope.
Arriving at the Cape, I immediately gave orders to repair my former chariot
and machines, which were very expeditiously performed by the excellent artists
I had brought with me from Europe. And now everything being refitted, we
launched forth upon the water: perhaps there never was anything seen more
glorious or more august. Twas magnificent to behold Sphinx make her obeisance
on the water, and the crickets chirp upon the bulls in return of the salute;
while Gog and Magog advancing, took the reins of the great John Mowmowsky, and
leading towards us chariot and all, instantly disposed of them to the forepart
of the ark by hooks and eyes, and tackled Sphinx before all the bulls. Thus the
whole had a most tremendous and triumphal appearance. In front floated forwards
the mighty Sphinx, with Gog and Magog on each side; next followed in order the
bulls with crickets upon their heads; and then advanced the chariot of Queen
Mab, containing the curious seat and orrery of heaven ; after which appeared
the boat and ark of council, overtopped with two balloons, which gave an air of
greater lightness and elegance to the whole. I placed in the galleries under
the balloons, and on the backs of the bulls, a number of excellent vocal
performers, with martial music of clarionets and trumpets. They sung the Watery
Dangers, and the Pomp of deep Cerulean! The sun shone glorious on the water
while the procession advanced toward the land, under five hundred arches of
ice, illuminated with coloured lights, and adorned in the most grotesque and
fanciful style with sea-weed, elegant festoons, and shells of every kind; while
a thousand water-spouts danced eternally before and after us, attracting the
water from the sea in a kind of cone, and suddenly uniting with the most
fantastical thunder and lightning.
Having landed our whole retinue, we immediately began to proceed toward the
heart of Africa, but first thought it expedient to place a number of wheels
under the ark for its greater facility of advancing. We journeyed nearly due
north for several days, and met with nothing remarkable except the astonishment
of the savage natives to behold our equipage.
The Dutch Government at the Cape, to do them justice, gave us every possible
assistance for the expedition. I presume they had received instruction on that
head from their High Mightinesses in Holland. However, they presented us with a
specimen of some of the most excellent of their Cape wine, and shewed us every
politeness in their power. As to the face of the country, as we advanced, it
appeared in many places capable of every cultivation, and of abundant fertility.
The natives and Hottentots of this part of Africa have been frequently described
by travellers, and therefore it is not necessary to say any more about them.
But in the more interior parts of Africa the appearance, manners, and genius of
the people are totally different.
We directed our course by the compass and the stars, getting every day
prodigious quantities of game in the woods, and at night encamping within a
proper enclosure for fear of the wild beasts. One whole day in particular
we heard on every side, among the hills, the horrible roaring of lions,
resounding from rock to rock like broken thunder. It seemed as if
there was a general rendezvous of all these savage animals to fall upon our
party. That whole day we advanced with caution, our hunters scarcely venturing
beyond pistol shot from the caravan for fear of dissolution. At night we
encamped as usual, and threw up a circular entrenchment round our tents. We
had scarce retired to repose when we found ourselves serenaded by at least one
thousand lions, approaching equally on every side, and within a hundred paces.
Our cattle showed the most horrible symptoms of fear, all trembling, and in
cold perspiration. I directly ordered the whole company to stand to their arms,
and not to make any noise by firing till I should command them. I then took a
large quantity of tar, which I had brought with our caravan for that purpose,
and strewed it in a continued stream round the encampment, within which circle
of tar I immediately placed another train or circle of gunpowder, and having
taken this precaution, I anxiously waited the lions' approach, These dreadful
animals, knowing, I presume, the force of our troop, advanced very slowly, and
with caution, approaching on every side of us with an equal pace, and growling
in hideous concert, so as to resemble an earthquake, or some similar convulsion
of the world. When they had at length advanced and steeped all their paws in
the tar, they put their noses to it, smelling it as if it were blood, and
daubed their great bushy hair and whiskers with it equal to their paws. At that
very instant, when, in concert, they were to give the mortal dart upon us, I
discharged a pistol at the train of gunpowder, which instantly exploded on
every side, made all the lions recoil in general uproar, and take to flight
with the utmost precipitation. In an instant we could behold them scattered
through the woods at some distance, roaring in agony, and moving about like so
many Will-o'-the-Wisps, their paws and faces all on fire from the tar and the
gunpowder. I then ordered a general pursuit: we followed them on every side
through the woods, their own light serving as our guide, until, before the
rising of the sun, we followed into their fastnesses and shot or otherwise
destroyed every one of them, and during the whole of our journey after we never
heard the roaring of a lion, nor did any wild beast presume to make another
attack upon our party, which shows the excellence of immediate presence of
mind, and the terror inspired into the most savage enemies by a proper and
well-timed proceeding.
We at length arrived on the confines of an immeasurable desert - an immense
plain, extending on every side of us like an ocean. Not a tree, nor a shrub,
nor a blade of grass was to be seen, but all appeared an extreme fine sand,
mixed with gold-dust and little sparkling pearls.
The gold-dust and pearls appeared to us of little value, because we could
have no expectation of returning to England for a considerable time. We
observed, at a great distance, something like a smoke arising just over the
verge of the horizon, and looking with our telescopes we perceived it to be a
whirlwind tearing up the sand and tossing it about in the heavens with
frightful impetuosity. I immediately ordered my company to erect a mound around
us of a great size, which we did with astonishing labour and perseverance, and
then roofed it over with certain planks and timber, which we had with us for
the purpose. Our labour was scarcely finished when the sand came rolling in
like the waves of the sea; 'twas a storm and river of sand united. It continued
to advance in the same direction, without intermission, for three days, and
completely covered over the mound we had erected, and buried us all within. The
intense heat of the place was intolerable; but guessing, by the cessation of
the noise, that the storm was passed, we set about digging a passage to the
light of day again, which we effected in a very short time, and ascending,
perceived that the whole had been so completely covered with the sand, that
there appeared no hills, but one continued plain, with inequalities or ridges
on it like the waves of the sea. We soon extricated our vehicle and retinue
from the burning sands, but not without great danger, as the heat was very
violent, and began to proceed on our voyage. Storms of sand of a similar nature
several times attacked us, but by using the same precautions we preserved
ourselves repeatedly from destruction. Having travelled more than nine thousand
miles over this inhospitable plain, exposed to the perpendicular rays of a
burning sun, without ever meeting a rivulet, or a shower from heaven to refresh
us, we at length became almost desperate, when, to our inexpressible joy, we
beheld some mountains at a great distance, and on our nearer approach observed
them covered with a carpet of verdure and groves and woods. Nothing could
appear more romantic or beautiful than the rocks and precipices intermingled
with flowers and shrubs of every kind, and palm-trees of such a prodigious size
as to surpass anything ever seen in Europe. Fruits of all kinds appeared
growing wild in the utmost abundance, and antelopes and sheep and buffaloes
wandered about the groves and valleys in profusion. The trees resounded with
the melody of birds, and everything displayed a general scene of rural
happiness and joy.
CHAPTER XXVI.
A feast on live bulls and kava - The inhabitants admire the European
adventurers - The Emperor comes to meet the Baron, and pays him great
compliments - The inhabitants of the centre of Africa descended from the
people of the moon proved by an inscription in Africa, and by the analogy of
their language, which is also the same with that of the ancient Scythians -
The Baron is declared sovereign of the interior of Africa on the decease of the
Emperor - He endeavours to abolish the custom of eating live bulls, which
excites much discontent - The advice of Hilaro Frosticos upon the occasion -
The Baron makes a speech to an Assembly of the states, which only excites
greater murmurs - He consults with Hilaro Frosticos.
HAVING passed over the nearest mountains we entered a
delightful vale where we perceived a multitude of persons at a feast of living
bulls, whose flesh they cut away with great knives, making a table of the
creature's carcase, serenaded by the bellowing of the unfortunate animal.
Nothing seemed requisite to add to the barbarity of this feast but kava, made
as described in Cook's voyages, and at the conclusion of the feast we perceived
them brewing this liquor, which they drank with the utmost avidity. From that
moment, inspired with an idea of universal benevolence, I determined to abolish
the custom of eating live flesh and drinking of kava. But I knew that such a
thing could not be immediately effected, whatever in future time might
be performed.
Having rested ourselves during a few days, we determined to set out towards
the principal city of the empire. The singularity of our appearance was spoken
of all over the country as a phenomenon. The multitude looked upon Sphinx, the
bulls, the crickets, the balloons, and the whole company, as something more
than terrestrial, but especially the thunder of our fire-arms, which struck
horror and amazement into the whole nation.
We at length arrived at the metropolis, situated on the banks of a noble
river, and the emperor, attended by all his court, came out in grand procession
to meet us. The emperor appeared mounted on a dromedary, royally caparisoned,
with all his attendants on foot through respect for his Majesty. He was rather,
above the middle stature of that country, four feet three inches in height,
with a countenance, like all his countrymen, as white as snow! He was preceded
by a band of most exquisite music, according to the fashion of the country, and
his whole retinue halted within about fifty paces of our troop. We returned the
salute by a discharge of musketry, and a flourish of our trumpets and martial
music. I commanded our caravan to halt, and dismounting, advanced uncovered,
with only two attendants, towards his Majesty. The emperor was equally polite,
and descending from his dromedary, advanced to meet me. "I am happy," said he,
"to have the honour to receive so illustrious a traveller, and assure you that
everything in my empire shall be at your disposal."
I thanked his Majesty for his politeness, and expressed how happy I was to
meet so polished and refined a people in the centre of Africa, and that I
hoped to show myself and company grateful for his esteem, by introducing the
arts and sciences of Europe among the people.
I immediately perceived the true descent of this people, which does not
appear of terrestrial origin, but descended from some of the inhabitants of
the moon, because the principal language spoken there, and in the centre of
Africa, is very nearly the same. Their alphabet and method of writing are
pretty much the same, and show the extreme antiquity of this people, and their
exalted origin. I here give you a specimen of their writing [Vide Otrckocsus
de Orig. Hung. p.46]:- Sregnah, dna skoohtop.
The emperor conducted me to his court amidst the admiration of his courtiers,
and paid us every possible politeness that African magnificence could bestow.
He never presumed to proceed on any expedition without consulting us, and
looking upon us as a species of superior beings, paid the greatest respect to
our opinions. He frequently asked me about the states of Europe, and the
kingdom of Great Britain, and appeared lost in admiration at the account I gave
him of our shipping, and the immensity of the ocean. We taught him to regulate
the government nearly on the same plan with the British constitution, and to
institute a parliament and degrees of nobility. His majesty was the last of his
royal line, and on his decease, with the unanimous consent of the people, made
me heir to the whole empire. The nobility and chiefs of the country immediately
waited upon me with petitions, entreating me to accept the government. I
consulted with my noble friends, Gog and Magog, &c., and after much
consultation it was agreed that I should accept the government, not as actual
and independent monarch of the place, but as viceroy to his Majesty of England.
I now thought it high time to do away the custom of eating of live flesh and
drinking of kava, and for that purpose used every persuasive method to wean the
majority of the people from it. This, to my astonishment, was not taken in good
part by the nation, and they looked with jealousy at those strangers who wanted
to make innovations among them.
Nevertheless, I felt much concern to think that my fellow-creatures could be
capable of such barbarity. I did everything that a heart fraught with universal
benevolence and good will to all mankind could be capable of desiring. I first
tried every method of persuasion and incitement. I did not harshly reprove them,
but I invited frequently whole thousands to dine, after the fashion of Europe,
upon roasted meat. Alas, 'twas ail in vain! my goodness nearly excited a
sedition. They murmured among themselves, spoke of my intentions, my wild
and ambitious views, as if I, O heaven! could have had any personal interested
motive in making them live like men, rather than like crocodiles and tigers. In
fine, perceiving that gentleness could be of no avail, well knowing that when
complaisance can effect nothing from some spirits, compulsion excites respect
and veneration, I prohibited, under the pain of the severest penalties, the
drinking of kava, or eating of live flesh, for the space of nine days, within
the districts of Angalinar and Paphagalna.
But this created such an universal abhorrence and detestation of my
government, that my ministers, and even myself, were universally pasquinadoed;
lampoons, satires, ridicule, and insult, were showered upon the name of
Munchausen wherever it was mentioned; and in fine, there never was a government
so much detested, or with such little reason.
In this dilemma I had recourse to the advice of my noble friend Hilaro
Frosticos. In his good sense I now expected some resource, for the rest of the
council, who had advised me to the former method, had given but a poor specimen
of their abilities and discernment, or I should have succeeded more happily. In
snort, he addressed himself to me and to the council as follows:-
"It is in vain, most noble Munchausen, that your Excellency endeavours to
compel or force these people to a life to which they have never been accustomed.
In vain do you tell them that apple-pies, pudding, roast beef, minced pies, or
tarts, are delicious, that sugar is sweet, that wine is exquisite. Alas! they
cannot, they will not comprehend what deliciousness is, what sweetness, or what
the flavour of the grape. And even if they were convinced of the superior
excellence of your way of life, never, never would they be persuaded; and that
if for no other reason, but because force or persuasion is employed to induce
them to it. Abandon that idea for the present, and let us try another method.
My opinion, therefore, is, that we should at once cease all endeavours to
compel or persuade them. But let us, if possible, procure a quantity of fudge
from England, and carelessly scatter it over all the country; and from this
disposal of matters I presume - nay, I have a moral certainty, that we shall
reclaim this people from horror and barbarity."
Had this been proposed at any other time, it would have been violently
opposed in the council; but now, when every other attempt had failed, when
there seemed no other resource, the majority willingly submitted to they knew
not what, for they absolutely had no idea of the manner, the possibility of
success, or how they could bring matters to bear. However, 'twas a scheme, and
as such they submitted. For my part, I listened with ecstasy to the words of
Hilaro Frosticos, for I knew that he had a most singular knowledge of human
kind, and could humour and persuade them on to their own happiness and
universal good. Therefore, according to the advice of Hilaro, I despatched a
balloon with four men over the desert to the Cape of Good Hope, with letters to
be forwarded to England, requiring, without delay, a few cargoes of fudge.
The people had all this time remained in a general state of ferment and
murmur. Everything that rancour, low wit, and deplorable ignorance could
conceive to asperse my government, was put in execution. The most worthy, even
the most beneficent actions, everything that was amiable, were perverted into
opposition.
The heart of Munchausen was not made of such impenetrable stuff as to be
insensible to the hatred of even the most worthless wretch in the whole kingdom;
and once, at a general assembly of the states, filled with an idea of such
continued ingratitude, I spoke as pathetic as possible, not, methought,
beneath my dignity, to make them feel for me: that the universal good and
happiness of the people were all I wished or desired; that if my actions had
been mistaken, or improper surmises formed, still I had no wish, no desire, but
the public welfare, &c. &c. &c.
Hilaro Frosticos was all this time much disturbed; he looked sternly at me -
he frowned, but I was so engrossed with the warmth of my heart, my intentions,
that I understood him not: in a minute I saw nothing but as if through a
cloud (such is the force of amiable sensibility) - lords, ladies, chiefs - the
whole assembly seemed to swim before my sight. The more I thought on my good
intentions, the lampoons which so much affected my delicacy, good nature,
tenderness - I forgot myself - I spoke rapid, violent - beneficence - fire -
tenderness - alas! I melted into tears!
"Pish! pish!" said Hilaro Frosticos
Now, indeed, was my government lampooned, satirized, carribonadoed,
bepickled, and bedevilled. One day, with my arm full of lampoons, I started up
as Hilaro entered the room, the tears in my eyes: "Look, look here Hilaro! -
how can I bear all this? It is impossible to please them; I will leave the
government - I cannot bear it! See what pitiful anecdotes - what surmises: I
will make my people feel for me - I will leave the government!"
cleverly that I nailed his brush fast to the tree, I now went up to him, took out my hanger, gave
him a cross-cut over the face, laid hold of my whip, and fairly flogged him out of his fine skin.
I remember this, my wonderful bitch, with the same pleasure and tenderness as a superb Lithuanian
horse, which no money could have bought. He became mine by an accident, which gave me an
opportunity of showing my horsemanship to a great advantage. I was at Count Frzobossky's noble
country-seat in Lithuania, and remained with the ladies at tea in the drawing-room, while the
gentlemen were down in the yard, to see a young horse of blood which had just
arrived from the stud. We suddenly heard a noise of distress ; I hastened
down stairs, and found the horse so unruly, that nobody durst approach or mount
him. The most resolute horsemen stood dismayed and aghast; despondency was
expressed in every countenance, when, in one leap, I was on his back, took him
by surprise, and worked him quite into gentleness and obedience, with the
best display of horsemanship I was master of. Fully to show this to the ladies,
and save them unnecessary trouble, I forced him to leap in at one of the open
windows of the tea-room, walked round several times, pace, trot, and gallop,
and at last made him mount the tea-table, there to repeat his lessons in a
pretty style of miniature which was exceedingly pleasing to the ladies, for he
performed them amazingly well, and did not break either cup or saucer.
It placed me so high in their opinion, and so well in that of the noble lord,
that, with his usual politeness, he begged I would accept of this young horse,
and ride him full career to conquest and honour in the campaign against the
Turks, which was soon to be opened, under the command of Count Munich.
rising till it reached the moon. How should I recover it? how fetch it down
again? I recollected that Turkey-beans grow very quick, and run up to an
astonishing height. I planted one immediately; it grew, and actually fastened
itself to one of the moon's horns. I had no more to do now but to climb up by
it into the moon, where I safely arrived, and had a troublesome piece of
business before I could find my silver hatchet, in a place where every thing
has the brightness of silver; at last, however, I found it in a heap of chaff
and chopped straw. I was now for returning: but, alas! the heat of the sun had
dried up my bean; it was totally useless for my descent: so I fell to work, and
twisted me a rope of that chopped straw, as long and as well as I could make it.
This I fastened to one of the moon's horns, and slid down to the end of it.
Here I held myself fast with the left hand, and with the hatchet in my right, I
cut the long, now useless end of the upper part, which, when tied to the lower
end, brought me a good deal lower: this repeated splicing and tying of the
rope did not improve its quality, or bring me down to the Sultan's farm. I was
four or five miles from the earth at least when it broke; I fell to the ground
with such amazing violence, that I found myself stunned, and in a hole nine
fathoms deep at least, made by the weight of my body falling from so great a
height: I recovered, but knew not how to get out again; however, I dug slopes
or steps with my finger nails (the Baron's nails were then of forty years'
growth), and easily accomplished it.
I travelled post, and finding myself in a narrow lane, bid the postilion give a signal with his horn,
that other travellers might not meet us in the narrow passage. He blew with all his might; but his
endeavours were in vain, he could not make the horn sound, which was unaccountable, and rather
unfortunate, for soon after we found ourselves in the presence of another coach
coming the other way: there was no proceeding; however. I got out of my
carriage, and being pretty strong, placed it, wheels and all, upon my head: I
then jumped over a hedge about nine feet high (which, considering the weight of
the coach, was rather difficult) into a field, and came out again by another
jump into the road beyond the other carriage: I then went back for the horses,
and placing one upon my head, and the other under my left arm, by the same
means brought them to my coach, put to, and proceeded to an inn at the end of
our stage. I should have told you that the horse under my arm was very spirited, and
not above four years old; in making my second spring over the hedge, he
expressed great dislike to that violent kind of motion by kicking and snorting;
however, I confined his hind legs by putting them into my coat-pocket. After we
arrived at the inn my postilion and I refreshed ourselves: he hung his horn on
a peg near the kitchen fire; I sat on the other side.
OF
BARON MUNCHAUSEN.
PART II
who was aloft furling the main-sheet, was flung at least three leagues from the
ship; but he fortunately saved his life by laying hold of the tail of a large
sea-gull, who brought him back, and lodged him on the very spot from whence he
was thrown. Another proof of the violence of the shock was the force with which
the people between decks were driven against the floors above them; my head
particularly was pressed into my stomach, where it continued some months before
it recovered its natural situation. Whilst we were all in a state of
astonishment at the general and unaccountable confusion in which we were
involved, the whole was suddenly explained by the appearance of a large whale,
who had been basking, asleep, within sixteen feet of the surface of the water.
This animal was so much displeased with the disturbance which our ship had
given him, for in our passage we had with our rudder scratched his nose, that
he beat in all the gallery and part of the quarter-deck with his tail, and
almost at the same instant took the main-sheet anchor, which was suspended, as
it usually is, from the head, between his teeth, and ran away with the ship, at
least sixty leagues, at the rate of twelve leagues an hour, when fortunately
the cable broke, and we lost both the whale and the anchor. However, upon our
return to Europe, some months after, we found the same whale within a few
leagues of the same spot, floating dead upon the water; it measured above half
a mile in length. As we could take but a small quantity of such a monstrous
animal on board, we got our boats out, and with much difficulty cut off his
head, where, to our great joy, we found the anchor, and above forty fathom of
the cable, concealed on the left side of his mouth, just under his tongue.
[Perhaps this was the cause of his death, as that side of his tongue was much
swelled, with a great degree of inflammation.] This was the only extraordinary
circumstance that happened on this voyage. One part of our distress, however, I
had like to have forgot: while the whale was running away with the ship she
sprung a leak, and the water poured in so fast, that all our pumps could not
keep us from sinking; it was, however, my good fortune to discover it first. I
found it a large hole about a foot diameter; you will naturally suppose this
circumstance gives me infinite pleasure, when I inform you that this noble
vessel was preserved, with all its crew, by a most fortunate thought! in short,
I sat down over it, and could have dispensed with it had it been larger; nor
will you be surprised when I inform you I am descended from Dutch parents.
[The Baron's ancestors have but lately settled there; in another part of his
adventures he boasts of royal blood.]
such as tumbling, hop, step, and jump, &c., but nothing seemed to disturb him
so much as the quick motion of my feet in attempting to dance a hornpipe; soon
after I began he put me out by sudden fits and starts: I persevered; at last he
roared horridly, and stood up almost perpendicularly in the water, with his
head and shoulders exposed, by which he was discovered by the people on board
an Italian trader, then sailing by, who harpooned him in a few minutes. As soon
as he was brought on board I heard the crew consulting how they should cut him
up, so as to preserve the greatest quantity of oil. As I understood Italian, I
was in most dreadful apprehensions lest their weapons employed in this business
should destroy me also; therefore I stood as near the centre as possible, for
there was room enough for a dozen men in this creature's stomach, and I
naturally imagined they would begin with the extremities: however, my fears
were soon dispersed, for they began by opening the bottom of the belly. As soon
as I perceived a glimmering of light I called out lustily to be released from a
situation in which I was now almost suffocated. It is impossible for me to do
justice to the degree and kind of astonishment which sat upon every countenance
at hearing a human voice issue from a fish, but more so at seeing a naked man
walk upright out of his body ; in short, gentlemen, I told them the whole
story, as I have done you, whilst amazement struck them dumb.
I went there in great state by land; where, having completed the business, I
dismissed almost all my attendants, and returned like a private gentleman: the
weather was delightful, and that famous river the Nile was beautiful beyond all
description; in short, I was tempted to hire a barge to descend by water to
Alexandria. On the third day of my voyage the river began to rise most amazingly
(you have all heard, I presume, of the annual over-flowing of the Nile), and on
the next day it spread the whole country for many leagues on each side! On the
fifth, at sunrise, my barge became entangled with what I at first took for
shrubs, but as the light became stronger I found myself surrounded by almonds,
which were perfectly ripe, and in the highest perfection. Upon plumbing with a
line my people found we were at least sixty feet from the ground, and unable to
advance or retreat. At about eight or nine o'clock, as near as I could judge by
the altitude of the sun, the wind rose suddenly, and canted our barge on one
side: here she filled, and I saw no more of her for some time. Fortunately we
all saved ourselves (six men and two boys) by clinging to the tree, the boughs
of which were equal to our weight, though not to that of the barge: in this
situation we continued six weeks and three days, living upon the almonds; I
need not inform you we had plenty of water. On the forty-second day of our
distress the water fell as rapidly as it had risen, and on the forty-sixth we
were able to venture down upon terra firma. Our barge was the first pleasing
object we saw, about two hundred yards from the spot where she sunk. After
drying everything that was useful by the heat of the sun, and loading ourselves
with necessaries from the stores on board, we set out to recover our lost ground,
and found, by the nearest calculation, we had been carried over garden-walls,
and a variety of enclosures, above one hundred and fifty miles. In four days,
after a very tiresome journey on foot, with thin shoes, we reached the river,
which was now confined to its banks, related our adventures to a boy, who
kindly accommodated all our wants, and sent us forward in a barge of his own.
In six days more we arrived at Alexandria, where we took shipping for
Constantinople. I was received kindly by the grand Seignior, and had the
honour of seeing the seraglio, to which his highness introduced me himself.
three leagues into the sea. Having no assistance, I found this the hardest task
I ever undertook, except swimming to the opposite shore with the famous Turkish
piece of ordnance, described by Baron de Tott in his Memoirs, which I shall
hereafter mention. I then piled all the carriages together in the centre of the
camp, which, to prevent the noise of the wheels being heard, I carried in pairs
under my arms; and a noble appearance they made, as high at least as the rock
of Gibraltar. I then lighted a match by striking a flint stone, situated twenty
feet from the ground (in an old wall built by the Moors when they invaded Spain),
with the breech of an iron eight-and-forty pounder, and so set fire to the
whole pile. I forgot to inform you that I threw all their ammunition-wagons
upon the top.
A TRIP TO THE NORTH.
On the eighteenth day after we had passed the Island of Otaheite, mentioned
by Captain Cook as the place from whence they brought Omai, a hurricane blew
our ship at least one thousand leagues above the surface of the water, and kept
it at that height till a fresh gale arising filled the sails in every part, and
onwards we travelled at a prodigious rate; thus we proceeded above the clouds
for six weeks. At last we discovered a great land in the sky, like a shining
island, round and bright, where, coming into a convenient harbour, we went on
shore, and soon found it was inhabited. Below us we saw another earth, containing
cities, trees, mountains, rivers, seas, &c., which we conjectured was this
world which we had left. Here we saw huge figures riding upon vultures of a
prodigious size, and each of them having three heads. To form some idea of the
magnitude of these birds, I must inform you that each of their wings is as wide
and six times the length of the main sheet of our vessel, which was about six
hundred tons burthen. Thus, instead of riding upon horses, as we do in this
world, the inhabitants of the moon (for we now found we were in Madam Luna)
fly about on these birds. The king, we found, was engaged in a war with the sun,
and he offered me a commission, but I declined the honour his majesty intended
me. Everything in this world is of extraordinary magnitude! a common
flea being much larger than one of our sheep: in making war, their principal
weapons are radishes, which are used as darts: those who are wounded by them
die immediately. Their shields are made of mushrooms, and their darts (when
radishes are out of season) of the tops of asparagus. Some of the natives of
the dog-star are to be seen here; commerce tempts them to ramble; their faces
are like large mastiffs', with their eyes near the lower end or tip of their
noses: they have no eyelids, but cover their eyes with the end of their tongues
when they go to sleep; they are generally twenty feet high. As to the natives
of the moon, none of them are less in stature than thirty-six feet: they are
not called the human species, but the cooking animals, for they all dress their
food by fire, as we do, but lose no time at their meals, as they open their
left side, and place the whole quantity at once in their stomach, then shut it
again till the same day in the next month; for they never indulge themselves
with food more than twelve times a year, or once a month. All but gluttons and
epicures must prefer this method to ours.
irresistible force, carried me away seated on its shoulders: I instantly
grasped it round the neck, which was large enough to fill my arms, and its
wings, when extended, were ten yards from one extremity to the other. As it
rose with a regular ascent, my seat was perfectly easy, and I enjoyed the
prospect below with inexpressible pleasure. It hovered over Margate for some
time, was seen by several people, and many shots were fired at it; one ball hit
the heel of my shoe, but did me no injury. It then directed its course to Dover
cliff, where it alighted, and I thought of dismounting, but was prevented by a
sudden discharge of musketry from a party of marines that were exercising on
the beach ; the balls flew about my head, and rattled on the feathers of the
eagle like hail-stones, yet I could not perceive it had received any injury.
It instantly reascended and flew over the sea towards Calais, but so very high
that the Channel seemed to be no broader than the Thames at London Bridge. In a
quarter of an hour I found myself over a thick wood in France, where the eagle
descended very rapidly, which caused me to slip down to the back part of its
head; but alighting on a large tree, and raising its head, I recovered my seat
as before, but saw no possibility of disengaging myself without the danger of
being killed by the fall; so I determined to sit fast, thinking it would carry
me to the Alps, or some other high mountain, where I could dismount without any
danger. After resting a few minutes it took wing, flew several times round the
wood, and screamed loud enough to be heard across the English Channel. In a few
minutes one of the same species arose out of the wood, and flew directly towards
us; it surveyed me with evident marks of displeasure, and came very near me.
After flying several times round, they both directed their course to the
south-west. I soon observed that the one I rode upon could not keep pace with
the other, but inclined towards the earth, on account of my weight; its
companion perceiving this, turned round and placed itself in such a position
that the other could rest its head on its rump; in this manner they proceeded
till noon, when I saw the rock of Gibraltar very distinctly. The day being
clear, notwithstanding my degree of elevation, the earth's surface appeared
just like a map, where land, sea, lakes, rivers, mountains, and the like were
perfectly distinguishable; and having some knowledge of geography, I was at no
loss to determine what part of the globe I was in.
TO THE SECOND VOLUME
These characters I have submitted to the inspection of a celebrated antiquarian,
and it will be proved to the satisfaction of every one in his next volume, what
an immediate intercourse there must have been between the inhabitants of the
moon and the ancient Scythians, which Scythians did not by any means inhabit a
part of Russia, but the central part of Africa, as I can abundantly prove to my
very learned and laborious friend. The above words, written in our characters,
are Sregnah dna skoohtop; that is, The Scythians are of heavenly origin.
The word Sregnah which signifies Scythians, is compounded of sreg
or sre, whence our present English word sire, or sir: and nah, or
gnah, knowledge, because the Scythians united the essentials of nobility
and learning together: dna signifies heaven, or belonging to the moon,
from duna, who was anciently worshipped as goddess of that luminary. And
skoohtop signifies the origin or beginning of anything, from skoo,
the name used in the moon for a point in geometry, and top or htop,
vegetation. These words are inscribed at this day upon a pyramid in the centre
of Africa, nearly at the source of the river Niger ; and if any one refuses his
assent, he may go there to be convinced.
| ODE. |
|
"Upon my honour, and the faith I owe my love," said I, "music may be talked of in England, but to possess the very soul of harmony the world should come to the performance of this ode." Lady Fragrantia was at that moment drumming with her fingers on the edge of her fan, lost in a reverie, thinking she was playing upon---. Was it a forte piano?
"No, my dear Fragrantia," said I, tenderly taking her in my arms while she melted into tears; "never, never, will I play upon any other-- !"
Oh! 'twas divine, to see her like a summer's morning, all blushing and full
of dew!
CHAPTER XXVIII.
The Baron sets all the people of the empire to work to build a bridge
from their country to Great Britain - His contrivance to render the arch secure
- Orders an inscription to be engraved on the bridge - Returns with all his
company, chariot, &c., to England - Surveys the kingdoms and nations under him
from the middle of the bridge.
AND now, most noble Baron," said the illustrious Hilaro
Frosticos, "now is the time to make this people proceed in any business that we
find convenient. Take them at this present ferment of the mind, let them not
think, but at once set them to work." In short, the whole nation went heartily
to the business, to build an edifice such as was never seen in any other country.
I took care to supply them with their favourite kava and fudge, and they worked
like horses. The tower of Babylon, which, according to Hermogastricus, was
seven miles high, or the Chinese wall, was a mere trifle, in comparison to this
stupendous edifice, which was completed in a very short space of time.
It was of an immense height, far beyond anything that ever had been before
erected, and of such gentle ascent, that a regiment of cavalry with a train of
cannon could ascend with perfect ease and facility. It seemed like a rainbow in
the heavens, the base of which appeared to rise in the centre of Africa, and
the other extremity seemed to stoop into Great Britain. A most noble bridge
indeed, and a piece of masonry that has outdone Sir Christopher Wren. Wonderful
must it have been to form so tremendous an arch, especially as the artists had
certain difficulties to labour against which they could not have in the
formation of any other arch in the world - I mean, the attraction of the moon
and planets: Because the arch was of so great a height, and in some parts so
elongated from the earth, as in a great measure to diminish in its gravitation
to the centre of our globe; or rather, seemed more easily operated upon by the
attraction of the planets: So that the stones of the arch, one would think,
at certain times, were ready to fall up to the moon, and at other times
to fall down to the earth. But as the former was more to be dreaded, I secured
stability to the fabric by a very curious contrivance: I ordered the architects
to get the heads of some hundred numbskulls and blockheads, and fix them to
the interior surface of the arch, at certain intervals, all the whole length,
by which means the arch was held together firm, and its inclination to the
earth eternally established; because of all the things in the world, the skulls
of these kind of animals have a strange facility of tending to the centre of
the earth.
The building being completed, I caused an inscription to be engraved in the
most magnificent style upon the summit of the arch, in letters so great and
luminous, that all vessels sailing to the East or West Indies might read them
distinct in the heavens, like the motto of Constantine.
That is to say, "As long as this arch and bond of union shall exist, so long shall the
people be happy. Nor can all the power of the world affect them, unless the moon,
advancing from her usual sphere, should so much attract the skulls as to cause a sudden
elevation, on which the whole will fall into the most horrible confusion."
An easy intercourse being thus established between Great Britain and the
centre of Africa, numbers travelled continually to and from both countries,
and at my request mail coaches were ordered to run on the bridge between both
empires. After some time, having settled the government perfectly to my
satisfaction, I requested permission to resign, as a great cabal had been
excited against me in England; I therefore received my letters of recall, and
prepared to return to Old England.
In fine, I set out upon my journey, covered with applause and general
admiration. I proceeded with the same retinue that I had before - Sphinx, Gog
and Magog, &c., and advanced along the bridge, lined on each side with rows
of trees, adorned with festoons of various flowers, and illuminated with coloured
lights. We advanced at a great rate along the bridge, which was so very extensive that
we could scarcely perceive the ascent, but proceeded insensibly until we arrived on the
centre of the arch. The view from thence was glorious beyond conception; 'twas divine
to look down on the kingdoms and seas and islands under us. Africa seemed in general
of a tawny brownish colour, burned up by the sun: Spain seemed more inclining to a
yellow, on account of some fields of corn scattered over the kingdom; France appeared
more inclining to a bright straw-colour, intermixed with green; and England appeared
covered with the most beautiful verdure. I admired the appearance of the Baltic Sea,
which evidently seemed to have been introduced between those countries by the sudden
splitting of the land, and that originally Sweden was united to the western coast of
Denmark; in short, the whole interstice of the Gulf of Finland had no being, until
these countries, by mutual consent, separated from one another. Such were my
philosophical meditations as I advanced, when I observed a man in armour,
with a tremendous spear or lance, and mounted upon a steed, advancing against
me. I soon discovered by a telescope that it could be no other than Don Quixote,
and promised myself much amusement in the rencounter.
CHAPTER XXIX.
The Baron's retinue is opposed in a heroic style by Don Quixote, who in
his turn is attacked by Gog and Magog - Lord Whittington, with the Lord Mayor's
show, comes to the assistance of Don Quixote - Gog and Magog assail his Lordship
- Lord Whittington makes a speech, and deludes Gog and Magog to his party - A
general scene of uproar and battle among the company, until the Baron, with
great presence of mind, appeases the tumult.
WHAT art thou?" exclaimed Don Quixote on his potent
steed. "Who art thou? Speak! or, by the eternal vengeance of mine arm, thy
whole machinery shall perish at sound of this my trumpet!"
Astonished at so rude a salutation, the great Sphinx stopped short, and
bridling up herself, drew in her head, like a snail when it touches something
that it does not like: the bulls set up a horrid bellowing, the crickets
sounded an alarm, and Gog and Magog advanced before the rest. One of these
powerful brothers had in his hand a great pole, to the extremity of which was
fastened a cord of about two feet in length, and to the end of the cord was
fastened a ball of iron, with spikes shooting from it like the rays of a star;
with this weapon he prepared to encounter, and advancing thus he spoke:
"Audacious wight! that thus, in complete steel arrayed, doth dare to venture
cross my way, to stop the great Munchausen. Know then, proud knight, that thou
shalt instant perish 'neath my potent arm."
When Quixote, Mancha's knight, responded firm:-
"Gigantic monster! leader of witches, crickets, and chimeras dire! know thou,
that here before yon azure heaven the cause of truth, of valour, and of faith
right pure shall ordeal counter try it!"
Thus he spoke, and brandishing his mighty spear, would instant prodigies
sublime performed, had not some wight placed 'neath the tail of dark Rosinante
furze all thorny base; at which, quadrupedanting, plunged the steed, and instant
on the earth the knight roared credo for his life.
At that same moment ten thousand frogs started from the morions of Gog and Magog,
and furiously assailed the knight on every side. In vain he roared, and invoked
fair Dulcinea del Toboso: for frogs' wild croaking seemed more loud, more
sonorous than all his invocations. And thus in battle vile the knight was
overcome, and spawn all swarmed, upon his glittering helmet.
"Detested miscreants!" roared the knight; "avaunt ! Enchanters dire and
goblins could alone this arduous task perform; to rout the knight of Mancha,
foul defeat, and war, even such as ne'er was known before. Then hear, O del
Toboso! hear my vows, that thus in anguish of my soul I urge, 'midst frogs,
Gridalbin, Hecaton, Kai, Talon, and the Rove! [for such the names and
definitions of their qualities, their separate powers.] For Merlin plumed
their airy flight, and then in watery moon-beam dyed his rod eccentric. At the
touch ten thousand frogs, strange metamorphosed, croaked even thus: And here
they come, on high behest, to vilify the knight that erst defended famed
virginity, and matrons all bewronged, and pilgrims hoar, and courteous guise of
all! But the age of chivalry is gone, and the glory of Europe is extinguished for ever!"
He spake, and sudden good Lord Whittington, at head of all his raree-show, came forth,
armour antique of chivalry, and helmets old, and troops, all streamers, flags
and banners glittering gay, red, gold, and purple; and in every hand a square
of gingerbread, all gilded nice, was brandished awful. At a word, ten thousand
thousand Naples biscuits, crackers, buns, and flannel-cakes, and hats of
gingerbread encountered in mid air in glorious exaltation, like some huge storm
of mill-stones, or when it rains whole clouds of dogs and cats.
The frogs, astonished, thunderstruck, forgot their notes and music, that
before had seemed so terrible, and drowned the cries of knight renown, and mute
in wonder heard the words of Whittington, pronouncing solemn:- "Goblins,
chimeras dire, or frogs, or whatsoe'er enchantment thus presents in antique
shape, attend and hear the words of peace; and thou, good herald, read aloud
the Riot Act!"
He ceased, and dismal was the tone that softly breathed from all the frogs
in chorus, who quick had petrified with fright, unless redoubted Gog and Magog,
both with poles, high topped with airy bladders by a string dependent, had
not stormed against his lordship. Ever and anon the bladders, loud resounding
on his chaps, proclaimed their fury against all potent law, coercive mayoralty;
when he, submissive, thus in cunning guile addressed the knights assailant:
"Gog, Magog, renowned and famous! what, my sons, shall you assail your father,
friend, and chief confessed? Shall you, thus armed with bladders vile, attack
my title, eminence, and pomp sublime? Subside, vile discord, and again return
to your true 'legiance. Think, my friends how oft your gorgeous, pouch I've
crammed, all calapash, green fat, and calapee. Remember how you've feasted,
stood inert for ages, until size immense you've gained. And think, how different
is the service of Munchausen, where you o'er seas, cold, briny, float along the
tide, eternal toiling like to slaves Algiers and Tripoli. And ev'n on high,
balloon like, through the heavens have journeyed late, upon a rainbow or some
awful bridge stretched eminent, as if on earth he had not work sufficient to
distress your potent servitudes, but he should also seek in heaven dire cause
of labour! Recollect, my friends, even why or wherefore should you thus assail
your lawful magistrate, or why desert his livery? or for what or wherefore
serve this German Lord Munchausen, who for all your labour shall alone bestow
some fudge and heroic blows in war? Then cease, and thus in amity return to
friendship aldermanic, bungy, brown, and sober."
Ceased he then, right worshipful, when both the warring champions instant
stemmed their battle, and in sign of peace and unity returning, 'neath their
feet reclined their weapons. Sudden at a signal either stamped his foot
sinistrine, and the loud report of bursten bladder stunned each ear surrounding,
like the roar of thunder from on high convulsing heaven and earth.
'Twas now upon the saddle once again the knight of Mancha rose, and in his
hand far balancing his lance, full tilt against the troops of bulls opposing
ran. And thou, shrill Crillitrilkril, than whom no cricket e'er on hob of rural
cottage, or chimney black, more gladsome tuned his merry note, e'en thou didst
perish, shrieking gave the ghost in empty air, the sport of every wind; for
e'en that heart so jocund and so gay was pierced, harsh spitted by the lance
of Mancha, while undaunted thou didst sit between the horns that crowned
Mowmowsky. And now Whittington advanced, 'midst armour antique and the powers
Magog and Gog, and with his rod enchanting touched the head of every frog, long
mute and thunderstruck, at which, in universal chorus and salute, they sung
blithe jocund, and amain advanced rebellious 'gainst my troop.
While Sphinx, though great, gigantic, seemed instinctive base and cowardly,
and at the sight of storming gingerbread, and powers, Magog and Gog, and Quixote,
all against her, started fierce, o'erturning boat, balloons, and all; loud
roared the bulls, hideous, and the crash of wheels, and chaos of confusion drear, resounded
far from earth to heaven. And still more fierce in charge the great Lord Whittington, from
poke of ermine his famed Grimalkin took. She screamed, and harsh attacked my bulls
confounded; lightning-like she darted, and from half the troop their eyes devouring tore. Nor
could the riders, crickets throned sublime, escape from rage, from fury less averse than
cannons murder o'er the stormy sea. The great Mowmowsky roared amain and plunged in
anguish, shunning every dart of fire-eyed fierce Grimalkin. Dire the rage of warfare
and contending crickets, Quixote and great Magog; when Whittington advancing--
"Good, my friends and warriors, headlong on the foe bear down impetuous." He
spoke, and waving high the mighty rod, tipped wonderful each bull, at which
more fierce the creatures bellowed, while enchantment drear devoured their
vitals. And all had gone to wreck in more than mortal strife, unless, like
Neptune orient from the stormy deep, I rose, e'en towering o'er the ruins
of my fighting troops. Serene and calm I stood, and gazed around undaunted; nor
did aught oppose against my foes impetuous. But sudden from chariot purses
plentiful of fudge poured forth, and scattered it amain o'er all the crowd
contending. As when old Catherine or the careful Joan doth scatter to the
chickens bits of bread and crumbs fragmented, while rejoiced they gobble fast
the proffered scraps in general plenty and fraternal peace, and "hush," she
cries, "hush! hush!"
CHAPTER XXX.
The Baron arrives in England - the Colossus of Rhodes comes to
congratulate him - Great rejoicings on the Baron's return, and a tremendous
concert - The Baron's discourse with Fragrantia, and her opinion of the Tour to
the Hebrides
HAVING arrived in England once more the greatest
rejoicings were made for my return; the whole city seemed one general blaze of
illumination, and the Colossus of Rhodes, hearing of my astonishing feats,
came on purpose to England to congratulate me on such unparalleled achievements.
But above all other rejoicings on my return, the musical oratorio and song of
triumph were magnificent in the extreme. Gog and Magog were ordered to take the
maiden tower of Windsor, and make a tambourine or great drum of it. For this
purpose they extended an elephant's hide, tanned and prepared for the design,
across the summit of the tower, from parapet to parapet, so that in proportion
this extended elephant's hide was to the whole of the castle what the parchment
is to a drum, in such a manner that the whole became one great instrument of
war.
To correspond with this, Colossus took Guildhall and Westminster Abbey, and
turning the foundations towards the heavens, so that the roofs of the edifices
were upon the ground, he strung them across with brass and steel wire from side
to side, and thus, when strung, they had the appearance of most noble dulcimers.
He then took the great dome of St. Paul's, raising it off the earth with as
much facility as you would a decanter of claret. And when once risen up it had
the appearance of a quart bottle. Colossus instantly, with his teeth, cracked
off the superior part of the cupola, and then applying his lips to the
instrument, began to sound it like a trumpet. 'Twas martial, beyond description-
tantara!-tara-te!
During the concert I walked in the park with Lady Fragrantia: she was
dressed that morning in a chemise à la reine. "I like," said she,
"the dew of the morning, 'tis delicate and ethereal, and, by thus bespangling
me, I think it will more approximate me to the nature of the rose [for her
looks were like Aurora]; and to confirm the vermilion I shall go to Spa."
"And drink the Pouhon spring," added I, gazing at her from top to toe. "Yes,"
replied the lovely Fragrantia, "with all my heart; 'tis the drink of sweetness
and delicacy. Never were there any creatures like the water-drinkers at Spa;
they seem like so many thirsty blossoms on a peach-tree, that suck up the
shower in the scorching heat. There is a certain something in the waters that
gives vigour to the whole frame, and expands every heart with rapture and
benevolence. They drink! good gods! how they do drink! and then, how they
sleep! Pray, my dear Baron, were you ever at the falls of Niagara?" "Yes, my
lady," replied I, surprised at such a strange association of ideas; "I have
been, many years ago, at the Falls of Niagara, and found no more difficulty in
swimming up and down the cataracts than I should to move a minuet." At that
moment she dropped her nosegay. "Ah," said she, as I presented it to her,
"there is no great variety in these polyanthuses. I do assure you, my dear
Baron, that there is taste in the selection of flowers as well as everything
else, and were I a girl of sixteen I should wear some rose-buds in my bosom,
but at five-and-twenty I think it would be more apropos to wear a full-blown
rose, quite ripe, and ready to drop off the stalk for want of being pulled-
heigh-ho!" "But pray, my lady," said I, "how do you like the concert?" "Alas!"
said she, languishingly, while she laid her hand upon my shoulder "what are
these bodiless sounds and vibration to me? and yet what an exquisite sweetness
in the songs of the northern part of our island:- 'Thou art gone awa' from
me, Mary!' How pathetic and divine the little airs of Scotland and the
Hebrides! But never, never can I think of that same Doctor Johnson - that
CONSTABLE, as Fergus MacLeod calls him - but I have an idea of a great brown
full-bottomed wig and a hogshead of porter! Oh, 'twas base! to be treated
everywhere with politeness and hospitality, and in return invidiously to
smellfungus them all over; to go to the country of Kate of Aberdeen, of Auld
Robin Gray, 'midst rural innocence and sweetness, take up their plaids, and
dance. Oh ! Doctor, Doctor!"
"And what would you say, Fragrantia, if you were to write a tour to the
Hebrides?" "Peace to the heroes," replied she, in a delicate and theatrical
tone; "peace to the heroes who sleep in the isle of Iona; the sons of the wave,
and the chiefs of the dark-brown shield! The tear of the sympathising stranger
is scattered by the wind over the hoary stones as she meditates sorrowfully on
the times of old! Such could I say, sitting upon some druidical heap or tumulus.
The fact is this, there is a right and wrong handle to everything, and there is
more pleasure in thinking with pure nobility of heart, than with the illiberal
enmities and sarcasm of a blackguard."
CHAPTER XXXI.
A litigated contention between Don Quixote, Gog, Magog, &c. - A grand
court assembled upon it - The appearance of the company - The matrons, judges,
&c. - The method of writing, and the use of the fashionable amusement
quizzes - Wauwau arrives from the country of Prester John, and leads the whole
Assembly a wild-goose chase to the top of Plinlimmon, and thence to Virginia -
The Baron meets a floating island in his voyage to America - Pursues Wauwau
with his whole company through the deserts of North America - His curious
contrivance to seize Wauwau in a morass.
THE contention between Gog and Magog, and Sphinx,
Hilaro Frosticos, the Lord Whittington, &c., was productive of infinite
litigation. All the lawyers in the kingdom were employed, to render the affair
as complex and gloriously uncertain as possible; and, in fine, the whole nation
became interested, and were divided on both sides of the question. Colossus
took the part of Sphinx, and the affair was at length submitted to the decision
of a grand council in a great hall, adorned with seats on every side in form of
an amphitheatre. The assembly appeared the most magnificent and splendid in the
world. A court or jury of one hundred matrons occupied the principal and most
honourable part of the amphitheatre; they were dressed in flowing robes of
sky-blue velvet adorned with festoons of brilliants and diamond stars; grave
and sedate looking matrons, all in uniform, with spectacles upon their noses;
and opposite to these were placed one hundred judges, with curly white wigs
flowing down on each side of them to their very feet, so that Solomon in all
his glory was not so wise in appearance. At the ardent request of the whole
empire I condescended to be the president of the court, and being arrayed
accordingly, I took my seat beneath a canopy erected in the centre. Before
every judge was placed a square inkstand, containing a gallon of ink, and pens
of a proportionable size; and also right before him an enormous folio, so large
as to serve for table and book at the same time. But they did not make much use
of their pens and ink, except to blot and daub the paper; for, that they should
be the more impartial, I had ordered that none but the blind should be honoured
with the employment: so that when they attempted to write anything, they
uniformly dipped their pens into the machine containing sand, and having
scrawled over a page as they thought, desiring them to dry it with sand, would
spill half a gallon of ink upon the paper, and thereby daubing their fingers,
would transfer the ink to their face whenever they leaned their cheek upon
their hand for greater gravity. As to the matrons, to prevent an eternal
prattle that would drown all manner of intelligibility, I found it absolutely
necessary to sew up their mouths; so that between the blind judges and the dumb
matrons methought the trial had a chance of being terminated sooner than it
otherwise would. The matrons, instead of their tongues, had other instruments
to convey their ideas: each of them had three quizzes, one quiz pendant from
the string that sewed up her mouth, and another quiz in either hand. When she
wished to express her negative, she darted and recoiled the quizzes in her
right and left hand; and when she desired to express her affirmative, she,
nodding, made the quiz pendant from her mouth flow down and recoil again. The
trial proceeded in this manner for a long time, to the admiration of the
whole empire, when at length I thought proper to send to my old friend and
ally, Prester John, entreating him to forward to me one of the species of wild
and curious birds found in his kingdom, called a Wauwau. This creature was
brought over the great bridge before mentioned, from the interior of Africa, by
a balloon. The balloon was placed upon the bridge, extending over the parapets
on each side, with great wings or oars to assist its velocity, and under the
balloon was placed pendant a kind of boat, in which were the persons to manage
the steerage of the machine, and protect Wauwau. This oracular bird, arriving
in England, instantly darted through one of the windows of the great hall, and
perched upon the canopy in the centre, to the admiration of all present. Her
cackling appeared quite prophetic and oracular; and the first question proposed
to her by the unanimous consent of the matrons and judges was, Whether or not
the moon was composed of green cheese? The solution of this question was deemed
absolutely necessary before they could proceed farther on the trial.
Wauwau seemed in figure not very much differing from a swan, except that the
neck was not near so long, and she stood after an admirable fashion like to
Vestris. She began cackling most sonorously, and the whole assembly agreed that
it was absolutely necessary to catch her, and having her in their immediate
possession, nothing more would be requisite for the termination of this
litigated affair. For this purpose the whole house rose up to catch her, and
approached in tumult, the judges brandishing their pens, and shaking their big
wigs, and the matrons quizzing as much as possible in every direction, which
very much startled Wauwau, who, clapping her wings, instantly flew out of the
hall. The assembly began to proceed after her in order and style of precedence,
together with my whole train of Gog and Magog, Sphinx, Hilaro Frosticos, Queen
Mab's chariot, the bulls and crickets, &c., preceded by bands of music;
while Wauwau, descending on the earth, ran on like an ostrich before the troop,
cackling all the way. Thinking suddenly to catch this ferocious animal, the
judges and matrons would suddenly quicken their pace, but the creature would as
quickly outrun them, or sometimes fly away for many miles together, and then
alight to take breath until we came within sight of her again. Our train
journeyed over a most prodigious tract of country in a direct line, over hills
and dales, to the summit of Plinlimmon, where we thought to have seized Wauwau;
but she instantly took flight, and never ceased until she arrived at the
mouth of the Potomac river in Virginia.
Our company immediately embarked in the machines before described, in which
we had journeyed into Africa, and after a few days' sail arrived in North
America. We met with nothing curious on our voyage, except a floating island,
containing some very delightful villages, inhabited by a few whites and negroes;
the sugar cane did not thrive there well, on account, as I was informed, of the
variety of the climates; the island being sometimes driven up as far as the
north pole, and at other times wafted, under the equinoctial. In pity to the
poor islanders, I got a huge stake of iron, and driving it through the centre
of the island, fastened it to the rocks and mud at the bottom of the sea, since
which time the island has become stationary, and is well known at present by
the name of St. Christopher's, and there is not an island in the world more secure.
Arriving in North America, we were received by the President of the United
States with every honour and politeness. He was pleased to give us all the
information possible relative to the woods and immense regions of America,
and ordered troops of the different tribes of the Esquimaux to guide us through
the forests in pursuit of Wauwau, who, we at length found, had taken refuge in
the centre of a morass. The inhabitants of the country, who loved hunting, were
much delighted to behold the manner in which we attempted to seize upon Wauwau;
the chase was noble and uncommon. I determined to surround the animal on every
side, and for this purpose ordered the judges and matrons to surround the
morass with nets extending a mile in height, on various parts of which net the
company disposed themselves, floating in the air like so many spiders upon
their cobwebs. Magog, at my command, put on a kind of armour that he had
carried with him for the purpose, corslet of steel, with gauntlets, helmet,
&c., so as nearly to resemble a mole. He instantly plunged into the earth,
making way with his sharp steel head-piece, and tearing up the ground with his
iron claws, and found not much difficulty therein, as morass in general is of a
soft and yielding texture. Thus he hoped to undermine Wauwau, and suddenly
rising, seize her by the foot, while his brother Gog ascended the air in a
balloon, hoping to catch her if she should escape Magog. Thus the animal was
surrounded on every side, and at first was very much terrified, knowing not
which way she had best to go. At length hearing an obscure noise under ground,
Wauwau took flight before Magog could have time to catch her by the foot. She
flew to the right, then to the left, north, east, west, and south, but found on
every side the company prepared upon their nets. At length she flew right up
soaring at a most astonishing rate towards the sun, while the company on every
side set up one general acclamation. But Gog in his balloon soon stopped Wauwau
in the midst of her career, and snared her in a net, the cords of which he
continued to hold in his hand. Wauwau did not totally lose her presence of
mind, but, after a little consideration, made several violent darts against the
volume of the balloon; so fierce, as at length to tear open a great space, on
which the inflammable air rushing out, the whole apparatus began to tumble to
the earth with amazing rapidity. Gog himself was thrown out of the vehicle, and
letting go the reins of the net, Wauwau got liberty again, and flew out of
sight in an instant.
Gog had been above a mile elevated from the earth when he began to fall, and
as he advanced the rapidity increased, so that he went like a ball from a
cannon into the morass, and his nose striking against one of the iron-capped
hands of his brother Magog, just then rising from the depths, he began to bleed
violently, and, but for the softness of the morass, would have lost his life.
CHAPTER XXXII.
The Baron harangues the company, and they continue the pursuit - The Baron,
wandering from his retinue, is taken by the savages, scalped, and tied to a
stake to be roasted; but he contrives to extricate himself, and kills the
savages - The Baron travels overland through the forests of North America, to
the confines of Russia - Arrives at the castle of the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky,
and gallops into the kingdom of Loggerheads - A battle, in which the baron
fights the Nareskin in single combat, and generously gives him his life -
Arrives at the Friendly Islands, and discourses with Omai - The Baron, with all
his attendants, goes from Olaheite to the isthmus of Darien, and having
cut a canal across the isthmus, returns to England.
MY friends, and very learned and profound Judiciarii,"
said I, "be not disheartened that Wauwau has escaped from you at present:
persevere, and we shall yet succeed. You should never despair, Munchausen being
your general; and therefore be brave, be courageous, and fortune shall second
your endeavours. Let us advance undaunted in pursuit, and follow the fierce
Wauwau even three times round the globe, until we entrap her."
My words filled them with confidence and valour, and they unanimously agreed
to continue the chase. We penetrated the frightful deserts and gloomy woods of
America, beyond the source of the Ohio, through countries utterly unknown
before. I frequently took the diversion of shooting in the woods, and one day
that I happened with three attendants to wander far from our troop, we were
suddenly set upon by a number of savages. As we had expended our powder and
shot, and happened to have no side arms, it was in vain to make any resistance
against hundreds of enemies. In short, they bound us, and made us walk before
them to a gloomy cavern in a rock, where they feasted upon what game they had
killed, but which, not being sufficient, they took my three unfortunate
companions and myself, and scalped us. The pain of losing the flesh from my
head was most horrible; it made me leap in agonies, and roar like a bull. They
then tied us to stakes, and making great fires around us, began to dance in
a circle, singing with much distortion and barbarity, and at times putting the
palms of their hands to their mouths, set up the war-whoop. As they had on that
day also made a great prize of some wine and spirits belonging to our troop,
these barbarians, finding it delicious, and unconscious of its intoxicating
quality, began to drink it in profusion, while they beheld us roasting, and in
a very short time they were all completely drunk, and fell asleep around the
fires. Perceiving some hopes, I used most astonishing efforts to extricate
myself from the cords with which I was tied, and at length succeeded. I
immediately unbound my companions, and though half roasted, they still had
power enough to walk. We sought about for the flesh that had been taken off our
heads, and having found the scalps, we immediately adapted them to our bloody
heads, sticking them on with a kind of glue of a sovereign quality, that flows
from a tree in that country, and the parts united and healed in a few hours. We
took care to revenge ourselves on the savages, and with their own hatchets put
every one of them to death. We then returned to our troop, who had given
us up for lost, and they made great rejoicings on our return. We now proceeded
in our journey through this prodigious wilderness, Gog and Magog acting as
pioneers, hewing down the trees, &c., at a great rate as we advanced. We
passed over numberless swamps and lakes and rivers, until at length we
discovered a habitation at some distance. It appeared a dark and gloomy castle,
surrounded with strong ramparts, and a broad ditch. We called a council of war,
and it was determined to send a deputation with a trumpet to the walls of the
castle, and demand friendship from the governor, whoever he might be, and an
account if aught he knew of Wauwau. For this purpose our whole caravan halted
in the wood, and Gog and Magog reclined amongst the trees, that their enormous
strength and size should not be discovered, and give umbrage to the lord of the
castle. Our embassy approached the castle, and having demanded admittance for
some time, at length the draw-bridge was let down; and they were suffered to
enter. As soon as they had passed the gate it was immediately closed after
them, and on either side they perceived ranks of halberdiers, who made them
tremble with fear. "We come," the herald proclaimed, "on the part of Hilaro
Frosticos, Don Quixote, Lord Whittington, and the thrice-renowned Baron
Munchausen, to claim friendship from the governor of this puissant castle, and
to seek Wauwau." "The most noble the governor," replied an officer, "is at all
times happy to entertain such travellers as pass through these immense deserts,
and will esteem it an honour that the great Hilaro Frosticos, Don Quixote, Lord
Whittington, and the thrice-renowned Baron Munchausen, enter his castle
walls."
In short, we entered the castle. The governor sat with all our company to
table, surrounded by his friends, of a very fierce and warlike appearance. They
spoke but little, and seemed very austere and reserved, until the first course
was served up. The dishes were brought in by a number of bears walking on their
hind-legs, and on every dish was a fricassee of pistols, pistol-bullets, sauce
of gun-powder, and aqua-vita. This entertainment seemed rather indigestible by
even an ostrich's stomach, when the governor addressed us, and informed me that
it was ever his custom to strangers to offer them for the first course a service
similar to that before us: and if they were inclined to accept the invitation,
he would fight them as much as they pleased, but if they could not relish the
pistol-bullets, &c., he would conclude them peaceable, and try what better
politeness he could show them in his castle. In short, the first course being
removed untouched, we dined, and after dinner the governor forced the company
to push the bottle about with alacrity and to excess. He informed us that he
was the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky, who had retired amidst these wilds, disgusted
with the court of Petersburgh. I was rejoiced to meet him; I recollected my old
friend, whom I had known at the court of Russia, when I rejected the hand of the
Empress. The Nareskin, with all his knights-companions, drank to an astonishing
degree, and we all set off upon hobby horses in full cry out of the castle.
Never was there seen such a cavalcade before. In front galloped a hundred
knights belonging to the castle, with hunting horns and a pack of excellent
dogs; and then came the Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky, Gog and Magog, Hilaro Frosticos,
and your humble servant, hallooing and shouting like so many demoniacs, and
spurring our hobby horses at an infernal rate until we arrived in the kingdom
of Loggerheads. The kingdom of Loggerheads was wilder than any part of Siberia,
and the Nareskin had here built a romantic summer-house in a Gothic taste, to
which he would frequently retire with his company after dinner. The Nareskin
had a dozen bears of enormous stature that danced for our amusement, and their
chiefs performed the minuet de la cour to admiration. And here the most
noble Hilaro Frosticos thought proper to ask the Nareskin some intelligence
about Wauwau, in quest of whom we had travelled over such a tract of country,
and encountered so many dangerous adventures, and also invited the Nareskin
Rowskimowmowsky to attend us with all his bears in the expedition. The Nareskin
appeared astonished at the idea; he looked with infinite hauteur and ferocity
on Hilaro, and affecting a violent passion, asked him, "Did he imagine that the
Nareskin Rowskimowmowsky could condescend to take notice of a Wauwau, let her
fly what way she would? Or did he think a chief possessing such blood in his
veins could engage in such a foreign pursuit? By the blood of all the bears in
the kingdom of Loggerheads, and by the ashes of my great great grandmother, I
would cut off your head!"
Hilaro Frosticos resented this oration, and in short a general riot
commenced. The bears, together with the hundred knights, took the part of the
Nareskin, and Gog and Magog, Don Quixote, the Sphinx, Lord Whittington, the
bulls, the crickets, the judges, the matrons, and Hilaro Frosticos, made noble
warfare against them.
I drew my sword, and challenged the Nareskin to single combat. He frowned,
while his eyes sparkled fire and indignation, and bracing a buckler on his left
arm, he advanced against me. I made a blow at him with all my force, which he
received upon his buckler, and my sword broke short.
Ungenerous Nareskin! seeing me disarmed, he still pushed forward, dealing
his blows upon me with the utmost violence, which I parried with my shield and
the hilt of my broken sword, and fought like a game-cock.
An enormous bear at the same time attacked me, but I ran my hand still
retaining the hilt of my broken sword down his throat, and tore up his tongue
by the roots. I then seized his carcase by the hind-legs, and whirling it over
my head, gave the Nareskin such a blow with his own bear as evidently stunned
him. I repeated my blows, knocking the bear's head against the Nareskin's head,
until, by one happy blow, I got his head into the bear's jaws, and the creature
being still somewhat alive and convulsive, the teeth closed upon him like
nut-crackers. I threw the bear from me, but the Nareskin remained sprawling,
unable to extricate his head from the bear's jaws, imploring for mercy. I gave
the wretch his life: a lion preys not upon carcases.
At the same time my troop had effectually routed the bears and the rest of
their adversaries. I was merciful, and ordered quarter to be given.
At that moment I perceived Wauwau flying at a great height through the
heavens, and we instantly set out in pursuit of her, and never stopped until we
arrived at Kamschatka; thence we passed to Otaheite. I met my old acquaintance
Omai, who had been in England with the great navigator, Cook, and I was glad
to find he had established Sunday schools over all the islands. I talked to him
of Europe, and his former voyage to England. "Ah!" said he, most emphatically,
"the English, the cruel English, to murder me with goodness, and refine upon my
torture - took me to Europe, and showed me the court of England, the delicacy
of exquisite life: they showed me gods, and showed me heaven, as if on purpose
to make me feel the loss of them."
From these islands we set out, attended by a fleet of canoes with
fighting-stages and the chiefest warriors of the islands, commanded by Omai.
Thus the chariot of Queen Mab, my team of bulls and the crickets, the ark, the
Sphinx, and the balloons, with Hilaro Frosticos, Gog and Magog, Lord Whittington,
and the Lord Mayor's show, Don Quixote, &c., with my fleet of canoes,
altogether cut a very formidable appearance on our arrival at the Isthmus of
Darien. Sensible of what general benefit it would he to mankind, I immediately
formed a plan of cutting a canal across the isthmus from sea to sea.
For this purpose I drove my chariot with the greatest impetuosity repeatedly
from shore to shore, in the same track, tearing up the rocks and earth thereby,
and forming a tolerable bed for the water. Gog and Magog next advanced at the
head of a million of people from the realms of North and South America, and
from Europe, and with infinite labour cleared away the earth, &c., that I
had ploughed up with my chariot, I then again drove my chariot, making the
canal wider and deeper, and ordered Gog and Magog to repeat their labour as
before. The canal being a quarter of a mile broad, and three hundred yards in
depth, I thought it sufficient, and immediately let in the waters of the sea. I
did imagine, that from the rotatory motion of the earth on its axis from west
to east the sea would be higher on the eastern than the western coast, and that
on the uniting of the two seas there would be a strong current from the east,
and it happened just as I expected. The sea came in with tremendous
magnificence, and enlarged the bounds of the canal, so as to make a passage of
some mile broad from ocean to ocean, and make an island of South America.
Several sail of trading vessels and men-of-war sailed through this new channel
to the South Seas, China, &c., and saluted me with all their cannon as they
passed.
I looked through my telescope at the moon, and perceived the philosophers
there in great commotion. They could plainly discern the alteration on the
surface of our globe, and thought themselves somehow interested in the
enterprise of their fellow-mortals in a neighbouring planet. They seemed to
think it admirable that such little beings as we men should attempt so
magnificent a performance, that would be observable even in a separate
world.
KARDOL BAGARLAN KAI TON FARINGO SARGAL
RA MO PASHROL VATINEAC CAL COLNITOS RO NA
FILNAT AGASTRA SA DINGANNAL FANO.
advancing, took the proboscis of his elephant, and turning it against the
rider, struck him repeatedly with the extremity of it on either side of the
head, until I at length dismounted him. Nothing could equal the rage of the
barbarian finding himself thrown from his elephant. He rose in a fit of despair,
and rushed against my steed and myself: but I scorned to fight him at so great
a disadvantage on his side, and directly dismounted to fight him hand to hand.
Never did I fight with any man who bore himself more nobly than this adversary;
he parried my blows, and dealt home his own in return with astonishing
precision. The first blow of his sabre I received upon the bridge of my nose,
and but for the bony firmness of that part of my face, it would have descended
to my mouth. I still bear the mark upon my nose.
